The Empty Nest

The Empty Nest - a book review
Claire gave me this book last year for my birthday. I've really enjoyed reading it. It's been helpful to be reminded that I'm not alone in my feelings of missing my children. The thing that's hard is not only the experience of trying to get accustomed to having our children out of the house, but also deciding what to do with myself now that they are gone. The book has been listed on my blog bookshelf for some time now. I finished it long ago, so I thought I'd give it a shout out today. It is a compilation of articles from 31 different parents. It's amazing to see how many people have similar feelings about the Empty Nest, even though their circumstances vary greatly. Here are some of my favorite quotes that express sentiments similar to my own:

#1 - I use to be the preferred one for my children and I miss that feeling. But, what was I thinking...that they would stay attached to me forever...ah maybe...well not attached, just in love with me.Yes, they do love me, it is just the definition of love keeps changing... I thought it meant chatting and spending time together. But then again, when I was in my twenties and thirties, I did’t chat and spend that much time with my folks.
So here it is... “get over yourself, mother”... that is what I tell myself... I am so much more than a mother, but I needed them to kick me out of the house so to speak.
#2 - The insidious thing about Sarah leaving is how subtly the balance tipped - how we endorsed the inevitable without realizing it. We taught her to flee, didn't we? We took her places and showed her the world beyond the safety of her crib. We encouraged her to take a look around, and once she's gone I will have lots of time to wonder why we didn't stick to the neighborhood, where we might have successfully raised a kid who never wanted to be more than a zip code away. We cannot hold Sarah back, and who would want to? Sarah leaving is a work in progress -- and leaving really is the wrong word, since it implies an absolute state, either here or gone, and she is not that. She will never be gone, no matter where she is, because feelings, because family, survive circumstance. Sarah is our girl, always. I might be able to put the sad moments in their place, and to be glad that my happy child wants to stay at the party, whatever the party is, for just a little while longer. Love like this requires faith.
#3 - It's not simply the loss of these particular people, living here day in , day out, the bickering, the inside jokes, the cereal bowls in the sink, and the towels in the hamper - all right, on the floor. It was who I was when I was with them: the general to their battalion, the president to their cabinet. Sometimes I just go into their rooms and just stand, touching their books, looking out their windows. "The shrine" the youngest says derisively. Three empty rooms, full of the ghosts of my very best self. Mom is my real name. It is, it is.
#4 - Mothering understood that separation is the destiny of mother and child, and it is the mother's job to remember this -- for the child's sake. Mothering knew that you have to raise your children to go away, or else you've failed utterly.
#5 - Never forget where you came from. One thing about having an empty nest, is that I have had time to think more about my own parents and about my departure a lifetime ago. I was so indifferent to what they went through. I put all my energy into separating myself from them as far as possible, both physically and emotionally because I was an adult and anxious to prove that fact. It wasn't until I became a parent myself that my roots began to matter to me - and my parents' struggles after I left became more understandable. We can't go back an undo the past, but we can learn from it.
#6 - After Darrah left, a particular engine of self began to rumble and move - the one that travels through time. I find that I feel much younger and distinctly older than I did before, and in ways I never could have predicted. Looking back, I think that this abrupt entry into a new life stage was like a cage door swinging open for a zoo animal: I didn't immediately realize that I was free...I began to experience an odd sense of lightness. It was as though springtime had entered by brain and body. It was the bodied experience of youth....I'm referring to feeling young in the specific way I did as an adult in my twenties and thirties, before becoming a mother. Back then, I had the relative luxury of obsessing about just one person - Me. I'd just spent 20 years reeling with the worries, plans and daily concerns of another human being and now she was launched into her own realm. I would always love her and be concerned about her, but I did not have the power to guarantee her happiness or well-being. That was up to her now and that recognition gave me an enormous sense of freedom.

There is a lot written on dealing with the Empty Nest on the internet. Here is a sample:



7 ways to Vanquish the Empty Nest Blues see this article

Plan Ahead
The Importance of Friends
Rekindle Romance
Rekindle Friendships
Volunteer
Nurture Your Extended Family
Explore Your own Talents and Abilities

It's your turn.