John 14: 26-27, Peace I leave with you...

Stake Women's Conference

Presentation of the theme: John 14: 26-27

My intro talk about our theme

Our desire today is that you will feel our Savior’s love for you as a dear daughter of God who is valued and cherished and watched over and guided.  We hope that when you leave the conference later today, you will be buoyed up, with new ideas and ways of looking at the challenges in life.  We hope that you will be more appreciative of the joy that comes to you in your life.  Many of you are looking for peace and comfort and it is our fervent prayer that you will be inspired by the Holy Ghost to attend the classes today that will best meet your needs and give you the peace you are seeking.  Our presenters are all well prepared and have sought the guidance of the spirit.  One class will be taught in Spanish for those who would like to hear this beautiful language, either because it is their native  language or because it was their mission language.

After seeking the guidance of the spirit, our presidency has chosen the theme found in John 14: 26-27.  In this chapter, Jesus is preparing his disciples for the time when he will no longer be with them.  He has taught them well and then states in vs. 25: “these things I have spoken unto you, yet being present with you.”  But he wasn’t  always going to be present with them and of course he isn’t physically present with us either.  But then he tells them of a great gift he is going to leave with them and says “But the Comforter, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.”

The footnotes tell us what we probably already know, that the Comforter is the Holy Ghost.  Each of you here today who have been baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been give this gift!  Are you using it to bless your life?  Are you accessing the power and help that comes through this incomprehensible gift?  Are you underutilizing this precious gift and are you looking for help for challenges and answers elsewhere? Are you letting The Holy Ghost teach you and bring all things to your remembrance?  Are you letting it teach you how to deal with challenging children, stressful work situations, aging parents, unhappy marriages, financial difficulties, mental health issues, loneliness, infertility, too much fertility, and so on and so on?  Are you letting it bring to your remembrance all the good times of the past that you have enjoyed with family and friends, the joy of a wedding day, the time when you felt the spirit for the first time; the time when you knew that this church was Christ’s church restored on the earth for the last time, or the time when you read the Book of Mormon and felt the truthfulness of it burn into your heart and know that is was the word of God? 

How much time do we spend being taught by the Comforter and letting Him teach us continually the teachings of Christ?  How often do we invite the Comforter to comfort us?  Let the Comforter do his job!  Invite him to comfort YOU!

Going on in vs. 27 Jesus says:  Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the word giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. 

We receive peace through Christ!  He gives his peace in a unique and special way, tailored for our individual needs and circumstances.  But sisters, we have to ask for it.  We have to actively seek it.  We have to look for peace in places where he has said we will find it.  Places like our homes, the scriptures, through prayer, by going to the temple, at church, listening to general conference, doing Family History work, going on a family reunion and connecting with our loved ones, praying with our spouses or alone if no spouse is readily available for a time.  We may find answers and peace through chats with trusted friends, or through professionals who are trained in the skills of sorting out the challenges in life.  We find peace in The Savior’s words, following his example, and truly trying to be more like Him.  Peace is available to them who seek it.  Simple enough, right?  If only it were so.

The world cannot give us this peace, and it never will.  The world is lead by the great destroyer will tell you that you’re not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not desirable, not talented and that you have nothing to offer.  Don’t listen to this con artist, the teller of lies and the great deceiver.  He wants you to join his ranks and he will stay at it, chipping away at your peace and comfort with great skill and patience.  Turn him away and tell him that you’re on the Lord’s side!

We just sang a rousing hymn, “There is Sunshine in my soul today.”  I loved to hear you sing with gusto! Let that light, which is Jesus shine in your life!  Because as the next line says: And Jesus listening can hear, the songs I cannot sing.”  He is the only one who knows the songs you cannot sing, the desires of your heart and your innermost yearnings.  Reread Elder Holland April 2017 talk for valuable insights.  He says:

Brothers and sisters, we live in a mortal world with many songs we cannot or do not yet sing. But I plead with each one of us to stay permanently and faithfully in the choir, where we will be able to savor forever that most precious anthem of all—“the song of redeeming love.”¹¹ Fortunately, the seats for this particular number are limitless. There is room for those who speak different languages, celebrate diverse cultures, and live in a host of locations. There is room for the single, for the married, for large families, and for the childless. There is room for those who once had questions regarding their faith and room for those who still do. There is room for those with differing sexual attractions. In short, there is a place for everyone who loves God and honors His commandments as the inviolable measuring rod for personal behavior, for if love of God is the melody of our shared song, surely our common quest to obey Him is the indispensable harmony in it. With divine imperatives of love and faith, repentance and compassion, honesty and forgiveness, there is room in this choir for all who wish to be there.¹² “Come as you are,” a loving Father says to each of us, but He adds, “Don’t plan to stay as you are.” We smile and remember that God is determined to make of us more than we thought we could be.

Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal, cure or remove.*
(from the hymn, Come, Ye Disconsolate)

My testimony.

The day of expressing love

We had a lot of fun this year sharing Valentines Day with our loved ones in town.  We invited the local crew over for dinner and I prepared some recipes I have never tried before.

Our menu:  Cafe Rio Copy Cat Sweet Pork Salad

And

Fresh dipped strawberries.

It was a hit!

I have never used tomatillos before.  What an interesting vegetable (or fruit?)

It comes all wrapped in it's own packaging and gives the Cafe Rio salad dressing its unique flavor.

Who knew?

A dozen roses from my love.
  My Blendtec full of this delicious dressing.

I put the left over in a jar in the fridge and it kept for a month.

What a funny little vegetable!

Valentine's Day is a tough one for Jordan.  She misses her sweetheart, and who can blame her.   Rick took her a couple dozen roses and we had their family over for dinner along with Claire, R and their children and my niece Sydney and her husband Adam and their three darling children.  It was a fun evening with a lot of visiting and catching up.  The kids always have a great time playing together.
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The grandkids gave us cute hand made Valentines and we gave them dinner.
Here is the recipes for those who haven't tried making these delicious dishes before:

Sweet pork:
6 lbs. boneless pork roast
1 16 oz. bottle salsa
1 12 oz. can cola
2 c. brown sugar

Cook pork roast in a crock pot (or instapot) all day.  2 hours before serving, drain juices, remove fat, and shred.  Add salsa, cola and brown sugar.  Cook for the remaining 2 hours on low.  This made a lot of meet and after dinner, I divided it into containers and froze it for future meals.  Meat is now all done!

Shredded chicken:
4 lbs. chicken breast
1 small bottle zesty Italian dressing
1 T. minced garlic
2 packages ranch dressing mix
1 T. chili powder
1 T. ground cumin

Place all ingredients in a crock pot.  Cook on low for 8 hours.  Shred with fork and serve.

Sweet Rice:
2 T. oil
2 1/4 c. long-grain rice, uncooked
4 cloves garlic, pressed
1/2 bunch cilantro, chopped
juice of 2 limes
4 c. water

In skillet, fry rice in oil.  Add garlic and cilantro, saute 3-5 minutes, stirring frequently.  Add lime juice and water.  Bring to a boil, cook on low until rice is done.  I cook mine in the rice cooker or Instapot.

Creamy Cilantro Dressing:

1 package buttermilk ranch dressing mix
3 tomatillos
1 c. mayonnaise
1 c. buttermilk
1 c. cilantro, chopped
2 cloves garlic, pressed
1 t. cayenne pepper (optional)

Combine all ingredients in a blender, blend on high.  Chill. That's it!  It makes a bunch and will keep in a jar in the fridge for a month.  It will separate, so just blend again before serving.

I also had guacamole, piko - tomatoes, cheese, chips, seasoned black beans, sour cream and cilantro on the side.  Delicious!

Spring time activities

I'm so grateful to my four sisters who took the time from their busy lives to come and visit me and Rick and offer their love and support after Jake passed away.  They came on a Friday night and we enjoyed a salmon dinner and a sleep over at my home.  We talked and talked for hours and finally headed to bed.  The next day we planned to take a lovely walk along the river trail, but it was pouring rain and so we ventured out but didn't last long.  They will probably kill me for posting this hilarious picture, but hey, it shows smiles all around and the fact that we had a good time, no matter the weather.  We had lunch at a Thai restaurant and did some shopping.  We went and saw Jordan and her family's new home.  I introduced some of them to the wonders of the George Foreman grill and we bee-lined it to Target to pick some up for their grilling enjoyment.  They gave us this beautiful planter and HUGE geranium that Jan brought with her from Idaho.  It will be a constant reminder of their weekend visit and of their love.  Sisters are the best and I'm so thankful for my four.  They are wonderful women and I love them.

Rick routinely has training meetings or conferences out of town.  Now that I am retired, I get to tag along and enjoy all the various locations to which he travels.  We had a lovely, relaxing visit to the Homestead resort.  While he is in meetings, I get to do my own thing and take along a project or two to work on.  It was lovely weather and so relaxing to visit the Homestead.

Rick takes such good care of our lawn.  He has also mowed the lawn of a single sister in our ward for nearly 20 years.  Mowing after a rain storm turned his legs green and hairy with grass.  Couldn't resist taking this funny picture. Rain or shine, he gets his yard work done!

I love flowers.  I love how cheery they are and I love to have as many as I can get around my home.  I enjoy gardening and sprucing things up.  Rick has been giving me flower baskets for Mother's day for the last several years and I love them. We spend a Saturday in our yard in early spring getting it ready for summer, planting, weeding and cleaning it up.  I always love the end result, although we are exhausted by the end of the day.

This spring we pulled out two ever green trees that were overgrown and ugly.  In the place of one, we planted a salsa garden complete with onions, tomatoes, peppers, cilantro, basil and dill.  Can't wait for it to mature so that we can pick vine ripe tomatoes and such.

This brown spot shows where the other tree was located.  With the help of some neighbors who knew what they were doing, they helped us cut it down and pull out the roots.  We planted new grass seed and hopefully it will fill in and look good in a few months.

This is my view as I take my daily walk.  I live in such a beautiful place and I'm grateful for the beauties of this world. Beauty makes me happy and content and I'm so thankful for God's creations.

Happiness is a choice

We had a wonderful Relief Society activity a few weeks ago.   Members of our stake Relief Society presidency came and spoke to us about finding happiness in each phase of our lives.  They had such good advice to share.  Here are some things they said:
Finding happiness while being a young mother

• The joy of motherhood comes in moments.  Write down the funny things you kids say and re-read them often.  Take pictures and look back on your year.  Be aware and grateful for all you have, even in the challenges.
• Don't over schedule yourself and your children (or as least try very hard not to.)  Being overly stressed is a happiness killer.
• Find ways to motivate each child.  Methods will vary.  Find joy in their accomplishments.
• Find time for yourself.  Set a timer and give yourself time to do something you love.  Put your mask on first.  You can't give what you don't have. Trade some responsibilities with your husband to take a break from the daily grind.
• Pray, study and teach the gospel to your children. Write down what thoughts impress you.  Find your inner strength and share your thoughts and feelings and let them know what you value.
• Give yourself credit.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  Celebrate YOUR accomplishments!

Finding happiness while parenting teenagers

•  Stay close to heavenly guidance.  Pray and ponder.  Treat each child according to their needs, strengths and weaknesses. 
• Keep open lines of communication.  Be available when THEY want to talk.  These are some of the sweetest moments.  Help them see how well they are doing.  Their accomplishments bring them and YOU lots of joy.
• Clean their rooms with them, work with them in the yard, have them help you cook, clean and work.  Working with a parent is a great time to talk to teenagers.  They fill better when they contribute to family life and so will you.  Don't do everything for them.  Help them gain confidence by being more and more autonomous.
• Criticism tears teens down, humor goes a long way to lighten the mood.  Be happy and find times to laugh and joke around.  Lighten the mood.
• Give them your TIME.  Much good will come of it.  Building relationships that will last for years ahead.  You are building your future happiness with them.
• Do fun things with them.  Help them find out what they enjoy and do it together.  Fun family times are long remembered and bring much happiness.

Finding happiness while being single

• Appreciate those who are around you.  Value what other women/people do and their talents and experiences.  Ask them questions about themselves.  Get up, Get out.  Don' t wait for other people to invite you.  Take some chances and you'll be surprise how people will respond.
• Find ways to connect with those of similar interests.  Be the one to invite for an outing or to share something you have in common.
• Move ahead in life.  Don't wait until everything is perfect or how you envisioned it would be.  Don't feel sorry for yourself.  You will be much happier and will attract people to you if you don't complain about your single status.  
• Turn to the Lord.  Find comfort in his promises.  Read and study talks specifically to offer suggestions to singles.  Don't label yourself.  If you don't, others won't be as likely to label you either.  
• Show your competitence no matter your marital status.  You don't have to be married to accomplish a lot in life, serve in the church in every capacity and contribute to those around you.  Look for people who need you, don't always be looking for others to fill your needs.
• If you are lonely, step forward and serve.  It is the ONLY answer to help.  If loniless leads to depression, seek help. 
• Think of 5 good things that have happened in your life and review them often.  Train yourself to look at the good in life and be grateful.

Finding happiness later in life

• You now have TIME to do all the things you wanted to do!  Happiness!!
• Look for opportunities to contribute and ways that will bring much fullfillment and happiness:  Mission service, temple work, family history, education week, personal history, institute classes
• You now have more time to devote to children and grandchildren.  Track their birthdays and think of special ways to celebrate with them.  Call.  FaceTime.  Skype.  Take the initiative and stay up on what they are doing.
• Further develop your interests and hobbies
• Travel, near or far, go and see, learn and grow
• Exercise in new and different ways, get up and go
• Find shared interests with a spouse, do more and different things together
• Find ways to contribute as a empty nester parent.  Find the boundaries that work for grown up parent and child.  Much happiness can come with adult children.
• Work or adapting to different circumstances such as illness, decreased mobility, illness in a spouse.  Make adjustments.  Many people who live in the past experience regret.  Others who live in the future experience fear.  Live in the present to experience and FIND joy.
• Find your divine center.  Happiness that is centered on Jesus Christ.  Circumstances may change, but this relationship can remain constant.  Develop a knowledge of and a relationship with our Savior Jesus Christ.  Focus on the love of the Lord and the blessings he give us.

The pursuit of happiness

I've been interested in the study of happiness for some time now.  How can we find happiness, maintain it and help others do the same? Factors that influence happiness are 50 percent genetics, 10 percent circumstances and 40 percent activities a person chooses to do.  I came across this interesting article in the paper.  Here are some of the ideas from the article and a few of my own thoughts. 

Ten things that supremely happy people do:

• Happy people surround themselves with other happy people. Joy is contagious. People are four times more likely to be happy in the future with happy people around them.  So true.  It is hard to be around people who complain, whine, criticize, gossip, moan and groan.  It is so much funner to be around people who are positive and even though they have challenges, to rise above those challenges and choose to be happy.

• Happy people try to be happy. When happy people don’t feel happy, they cultivate a happy thought and smile about it. I've noticed that happy people get up and get going.  They find purpose to their lives.  They get out and serve and help and somehow their problems become easier to face.

• Happy people spend money more on others than they spend on themselves. Givers experience what scientists call the “helper’s high.”  Spending money on someone is great, but spending time with them is greater, in my opinion.  Time spent doing something worthwhile or something the other person is interested in is great fun and so rewarding.

• Happy people have deep in-person conversations. Sitting down to talk about what makes a person tick is a good practice for feeling good about life.  I love to talk to people.  Everyone who knows me knows this about me.  I'm way more interested in talking to someone and finding out about them than watching a movie with them, or playing a game or playing cards (heaven forbid!).  Interesting conversation makes me happy!

• Happy people use laughter as a medicine. A good old-fashioned chuckle releases lots of good neurotransmitters. A study showed that children on average laugh 300 times a day versus adults who laugh 15 times a day.  My husband and I love to laugh.  We've had some very hilarious times and we have had a lot of laughter in our marriage. I love that about him.  He makes me laugh on a regular basis.  A great sense of humor cannot be under valued!

• Happy people use the power of music. Researchers found that music can match the anxiety reducing effects of massage therapy.  I'm a believer in listening to music.  I love a wide range of music and I have it going almost constantly.  Music is the expression of the soul.

• Happy people exercise and eat a healthful diet. Eating a poor diet can contribute to depression.  I don't think people realize the truth of this statement.  Getting up and getting moving is a positive thing.  Eating well helps the body, mind and spirit.  These two essentials (exercise and healthy eating) are extremely important to being happy.

• Happy people take the time to unplug and go outside. Uninterrupted screen time brings on depression and anxiety.  I have to limit my screen time.  Since I'm on a screen at work for five hours a day already, I have to be careful not to get more screen time when I get home.  I love to get out and walk with a friend or by myself listening to some wonderful music.  Being in nature rejuvenates the mind and spirit.

• Happy people get enough sleep. When people run low on sleep they are prone to feel a lack of clarity, bad moods and poor judgment.  True statement.  I don't do well when I haven't been sleeping well.  Melatonin helps me and also I find that I cannot nap in the afternoon very often or I can't sleep at night.  Finding the right balance is critical, but I'm definably not a happy girl when I haven't had enough rest.

• Happy people are spiritual. I'm a believer, not only is this statement but also in faith and a belief in God.  Finding strength beyond our own and knowing we aren't along brings a lot of comfort and peace.  Knowing where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going beings a lot of happiness and peace.

Victor Frankl from his book Man’s Search for Meaning said: “Even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself. He may turn personal tragedy into triumph."

Love this article too about expressing gratitude and smiling and how they affect happiness, and this powerful talk from Elder Holland "Like a Broken Vessel."

Husbands

I know it is Halloween (not Father's day) but I've had this topic on my mind lately.  Husbands...sometimes they get the short end of the stick by their wives.  I know I've been guilty of this myself.  Now that our kids are grown and out of the house, I've grown to love and appreciate my husband more than ever.  For years and years when we were busy raising our children, our relationship got pushed down on the priority scale sometimes...OK... oftentimes.  My main focus was often on the children because their needs superseded everything else.  Add work, church service, community service, home maintenance and such and the left-over time for just the two of us was sometimes very slim pickings.

My sweet husband who brought me flowers yesterday.

My advise to young couples would be to try very hard to keep your relationship at the top of the priority scale. Get a babysitter more often than you do and get away.  Have a date night and stick to it every week.  It is well worth the price and the benefits will be immediate and long lasting.  Watering the plant of marital happiness will bear fruit for years to come.  After all, one day you will find that the children are gone and the two of you will be left in the home to make your own way again.  There is nothing better than finding that you still like each other, that you can laugh and enjoy one another and that your relationship is the one that will endure through all time (and eternity if you have LDS beliefs.)
This article was in the newspaper a few days ago.  I thought it contained excellent advice. 


Here are 10 compliments that your husband needs to hear:

1. I'm so glad I married you. Men need to feel secure in marriage, and the fastest way to let your man know he's still the one is to tell him outright. This is a great compliment because it can come completely out of the blue, without him having to do anything to earn it. Spontaneous compliments feel genuine and sincere.
2. I love how you provide for our family. Men hold themselves to a high standard when it comes to providing, and they need you to acknowledge their efforts. Let your husband know that he doesn't have to make millions to still make you happy.
3. I'm so proud of you. You'll get far in marriage being your husband's greatest cheerleader. In a world that continuously knocks him down, be the one to always lift him up.
4. You're such a great daddy. If you have kids, praise your husband for his involvement with the family. Modern society often tells dads that they come second to mom, so let him know he's a valuable asset to your family.
5. You're so attractive and handsome
   . Your husband needs to know you love the way he looks, even after a few years and a few extra pounds. Many men send and receive love through touch and physical intimacy, so complimenting his body is one of the fastest ways to show him love in a way he understands.
6. Thanks for fixing the broken dryer. Whenever your husband plays Mr.Fix-It around the house, compliment his efforts. He needs to feel capable, especially when he's taking care of you.
7. Thanks for the help around the house. Helping out can be a little scary for the man of the house. Chances are that you have your own way of doing things, and he may be afraid of messing up your system. Thank him sincerely when he helps out, regardless of whether he folds the sheets the "right" way.
8. You can always make me laugh. Let your man know that he lightens up your day and brings positive energy into your household. Even if your husband isn't the ha-ha funny type, you can still compliment his stellar smile.
9. You're so strong. The next time your husband lifts a heavy load of laundry, bat your eyelashes a little and compliment his Superman-like strength, even if you could have done the task yourself. Husbands need to know they're good for something, and they certainly need to know they're good for you.
10. I love spending time with you. We all get caught up in the business of everyday life, so let your spouse know that you still love to simply hangout with him. After all, you'll be his best friend and constant companion forever.

Preparing to endure to the end

Over the past few years, I've come to the realization that "enduring to the end" takes preparation.  I guess I've always known this fact, but aging has a way of bring it into clear focus.  As our children have left home and moved away, it's required a paradigm shift on my part. My role as a full-time mother has changed and now I play a more supporting role to our kids and grand kids.  No surprise there, that is as it should be.  However, knowing it would change and actually living day to day with the change is a bit of a challenge.  After giving myself practically full-time to their needs and wants, I have been turning my attention to my own needs and wants and those of my husband more that previously.  At first it felt kind of selfish to think about what I needed and wanted and now I can see that it is mandatory to make the shift into better self fulfillment and self awareness in order to be happy.   I've been moving through this process for a number of years now, but I can also see that more work is needed.  Letting go and moving on is hard work!
I'm a noticer and a ponderer.  I can't help myself, it's hard wired into my brain.  I'm observant and can recall details of what I've seen and heard quite easily.  I've noticed that women who have figured out how to move from being a full-time mother to being a full-time individual are happier than those who don't.  Let me explain. I'm friends with lots of different women in lots of different age groups, marital status and backgrounds at work, in our neighborhood, in groups of women, and in our extended family.  I've noticed that those women who take time to cultivate a sense of self as an individual person, separate from their spouse and their children have more staying power, more happiness and more self-fulfillment than those who don't.  We recently flew to Boston and once again heard the instructions from the flight attendants to "put your mask on first" in the event of an emergency.  A women who "puts her mask on first" is better able to help those around her, but she insures her survival in the process.
However, it's a delicate balance.  Some women go overboard and seem to put themselves first through the whole course of their lives and their time and attention (and money) goes primarily to themselves.  Their self absorption takes control and they don't look around and see if anyone else needs help.  This is a discussion for another day since I believe that these women are not the majority.  Most women give the best they have to everyone else and keep very little for themselves.  This becomes more of a problem for these women as they become older and they find that they haven't built their own lives sufficiently enough to sustain their own happiness.  They tend to look to others to bring them happiness instead of preparing themselves to endure to the end happily and positively!
My thoughts these past few months have reinforced the idea that I have to continue to "put my mask on first."  I've figured out that the way I can do this is to build my own life by doing what I love to do and finding what brings me joy.  These include:

• exercising and moving/stretching my body
• eating healthy and keeping my weight in check
• getting enough sleep
• taking care of myself, my hygiene, my appearance, for me
• engaging in meaningful service, literally looking for a way to help someone every day
• working my mind through reading, attending lectures, cultural events
• listening to music
• lifting my spirit through  my own individual religious behavior
• being part of groups of women through clubs, book clubs, lunches, individual friendships and interacting socially and emotionally
• enjoying my hobbies and learning some new ones, having friends share their interests
• taking the initiative to stay connected with my family through Facetime, emails, phone calls and doing it regularly, as well as making regular visits
• finding new ways to enjoy my time with my spouse and engaging in activities we both enjoy

Rick was out of town last month for four days.  I'm happy to report that I was OK being alone.  I wasn't scared, I wasn't bored and I wasn't unhappy.   We've enjoyed our time together in our empty nest, and I'm discovering that I can take my own destiny into my own hands and prepare my own self for my own future, whatever it may be, even if I find myself alone.  It isn't what I want to have happen and I'm hoping to have many, many years together, but I'm preparing to endure to the end with him or without him.  My own happiness is up to me.

Interesting research

As I've mentioned before, I am surrounded by interesting research on family topics. Last night I went to this interesting lecture, the Virginia Cutler annual lecture given by Professor Busby about LDS married couples and their habits and beliefs compared to other religious couples. The lecture was recorded and at some point I'll post the link. It was very thought provoking to learn more about the dating habits, length of courtship, commitment to marriage, marital age, sexual habits and overall happiness reported by over 40,000 married religious couples over the course of many years.

Also out this week is a report about the link between the use of profanity and relational aggression. "Exposure to profanity is associated with acceptance and use of profanity, which in turn influence both physical and relational aggression." And further "“This research shows that profanity is not harmless,” said Bushman, a mass communications professor. “Children exposed to profanity in the media think that such language is ‘normal,’ which may reduce their inhibitions about using profanity themselves. And children who use profanity are more likely to aggress against others. These are very important findings for parents, teachers, and pediatricians.”

And lastly, a report about materialism in marriage call "Can't Buy Me Love." It finds that the more money a couple has, the more likely that couple is to have marital problems. It measured how much various couples value having "lots of money" and "lots of things."
“Couples where both spouses are materialistic were worse off on nearly every measure we looked at,” said Jason Carroll, a BYU professor of family life and lead author of the study. “There is a pervasive pattern in the data of eroding communication, poor conflict resolution and low responsiveness to each other.”

“Sometimes people can deceive themselves about how important their relationships are to them,” Carroll said. “It’s helpful to step back and look at where you focus your time.”

I drew these conclusions:

• Observing religious codes and conduct helps a couple achieve more marital satisfaction and longevity than not observing any religious practices. Religion helps couples understand the bigger picture and helps them establish codes of conduct and it gives them something to strive for in maintaining their family unit. LDS couples who believe in the Temple Covenant are more likely to work towards achieving that goal and in the process their family life can be more meaningful.
  

• Watch, monitor and edit what language is being used on TV programs that you watch. It will affect your children and yourself in ways you may not even imagine.

• Don't make the pursuit of wealth a goal. Money isn't evil, it is what it often does to people that makes it a stumbling block. Be cautious in the desire for "things" and lots of money. Money and things do not define a person's worth. As a subtext, too much money often destroys the children of wealthy parents who don't learn to work and to be self sufficient. They often have a sense of entitlement and that makes it hard to establish their own self worth and their own achievements. Money could well be the root of all evil, but a certain amount of it is needed to live a happy life. Researchers figure that amount is about $75,000 a year for a family. "The lower a person's annual income falls below that benchmark, the unhappier he or she feels. But no matter how much more than $75,000 people make, they don't report any greater degree of happiness."
  
  Read more: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2019628,00.html#ixzz1bRSNlY2R
  

I just finished reading a biography of Madame Marie Curie, the scientist who was awarded two Nobel Prizes for her work in discovering radioactivity (a word she coined) and the elements of radium and polonium. She despised wealth and wealthy people. She avoided all the trappings of the display of wealth. She sought her riches in intellectual development and not in the acquisition and display of wealth. She and her husband Pierre freely shared their precious radium samples with other researchers who could benefit from their discoveries. They could have made millions by selling their knowledge and their discoveries, but they shunned that type of use of wealth. Their marriage was strong and they found their passion in working on joint research projects and in raising their two young girls. The Beatles got it right when they sang "Can't Buy Me Love." It was a very thought provoking book.

Happiness Remix

I can't turn it off. Since I was given the topic of "being a humble seeker of happiness" for the women's conference talk back at the end of December, I've thought a lot about happiness. I keep thinking about it...I've observed people, asked them questions about what makes them happy and read anything that I come across that has to do with happiness. It's such an interesting topic and of course being happy means different things to different people. Recently I've read three points of view that I thought would be worth sharing. Here are the gems:
From the USA Weekend newspaper magazine -
Want to be happy? Have a conversation. What's important to a happy life are meaningful conversations say researchers at the University of Arizona in Tuscon and Washington University in St. Louis. People who spend less time alone and more time talking meaningfully to others are found to be happier. They found that the happiest participants spend 25% less time alone and 70% more time talking than the unhappiest. Researchers suggest deep conversations may give a sense of meaning in interactions with others, which may make people happier.
From the LDS church news, May 29, 2010-
Most people one would surmise, want to be happy; many spend a lifetime actively seeking happiness. However, the number of individuals who actually achieve that goal seems to be greatly limited. Many people think that the word "pleasure" has the same meaning as the word for "joy" or "happiness". In their pursuit of happiness, they take a route that leads only to pleasure, which, in most cases, has a shorter shelf life than joy or happiness.
Is it not plainly laid out for us in Ecclesiastes 5:10 and 12:13 that those individuals who have true happiness are the ones who not only have faith in the Lord but also obey His commandments and live their lives in a manner that will bless others? Being true to our duty shows that we are true followers of the Lord. Staying true to our duty is the only way to obtain happiness.
From the book I'm currently reading - Three Cups of Tea -
Norberg-Hodge admiringly quotes the king of another Himalayan country, Bhutan, who says that the true measure of a nations' success is not gross national product, but "gross national happiness." On their warm, dry roofs, among the fruits of their successful harvest, eating, smoking, gossiping with a sense of leisure, Mortensen felt that for all they lacked, the Balti still held the key to a kind of uncomplicated happiness that was disappearing in the developing world as fast as old-growth forests. Their happiness sprung from the simple pleasures of good food, good conversation and the attention of family and friends.

I think there are three little nuggets of wisdom in these quotes. True happiness comes from connecting to others in conversation, in making our actions consistent with our knowledge of right and wrong, in performing our duty and serving others and in enjoying the simple pleasures of life.

And finally - a happiness idea list

• Although there are numerous theories of happiness and countless definitions of it, researchers have worked to answer the question: Can I learn to be happier?
• Realize that enduring happiness doesn’t come from success - Wealth is like health, its utter absence breeds misery, but having it doesn’t guarantee happiness.
• Take control of your life – Happy people feel in control of their lives, set goals, use time wisely
• Act happy – We can sometimes act ourselves into a frame of mind, going through the motions can trigger the emotions.
• Seek work and leisure that engages your skills – Happy people are often in a zone that challenges them without overwhelming them like gardening, socializing or craft work.
• Create something - develop a hobby, skill or talent and make something that didn't exist before
• Join the “movement” movement – An avalanche of research shows that aerobic exercise not only promotes health and energy, it is also an antidote for mild depression and anxiety.
• Give your body the sleep it wants – Happy people live active vigorous lives yet reserve time for renewing sleep and solitude.
• Give priority to close relationships – Intimate friendships with those who care deeply about you can help you weather difficult times.
• Focus beyond the self – Reach out to those in need. Happiness increases helpfulness (those who feel good do good.)
• Keep a gratitude journal – People who pause each day to reflect on some positive aspect of their lives experience heightened well-being.
• Nurture your spiritual self – Faith provides a support community, a reason to focus beyond self and a sense of purpose and hope.
  From Positive Psychology, C. R. Snyder & Shane J. Lopez, Sage Publications, 2007, page 145.

Seeking happiness

The Humble Seeker of Happiness: Finding Joy
(Alma 27:18) "Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness."
Life is not a two-hour movie where life is bliss and challenges are quickly resolved.

• What can we do to find joy in the journey of life?

The opposite of happiness is unhappiness, not depression. Depression, a grave condition that deserves urgent attention, occupies its own category apart from happiness and unhappiness.

I learned that no one but me could make me happy. I couldn’t depend on an outside force, another person or some wonderful circumstance to change my life. I had to change my life and I had to have a plan and get going on that plan.

Positive Psychology as an explicit perspective has existed only since 1998, but enough relevant theory and research now exists concerning what makes life most worth living to fill a book suitable for a semester-long college course. 1

• How does finding balance and maintaining perspective contribute to joy?

Life is like a seesaw or a teeter totter as we use to call them. Teeter totters were a favorite piece of playground equipment until the safety monitors came along and outlawed them. Seesaws also work as a simple example of a mechanical system with two equilibrium positions. One side is stable, while the other is unstable.
Sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down. But what I realized is that it’s what is at the center that makes all the difference. It’s the pivot point at the center of the teeter totter that determines if balance will be achieved at the ends of the boards.
What is your anchor or your fulcrum point as your teeter totter goes up and goes down and gives you a thrill or sometimes you even get dropped with a hard handing if the person on the other end abandons you (either on purpose or by accident!)
I can build my center of balance between happy and unhappy events that occur by grounding myself in these ways:
*Attending the temple
*Core beliefs – true conversion
*Believing Christ
*Trust in Heavenly Father and His plan of happiness
*Faith in His Plan for me *Providing service and thinking of others
Alma 7:11:13
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

My 86 year old father-in-law Vern said that it was during the times of trial and unhappiness that he learned the most. He wouldn’t want to repeat those trials, but he wouldn’t want to lose the insight and growth, indeed the comfort and peace that he felt during the hard times to know that a higher power was aware of his struggles and aware of him in all ways possible.

A balanced life usually means finding balance in all the aspects of our lives. Examine the balance in your own life. How are you coming? Are you lop sided and almost tipping over in some areas? Do you neglect some areas and excel in others? Are you taking care of yourself so that you can be happy? Stresses and being unbalanced in many of these areas can diminish the quality and quantity of your happiness. Are you balanced in these areas:
Spiritual – Emotional - Intellectual – Economic – Physical - Social
We are happier when we can take care of ourselves. We need to take care of ourselves first so what we have the energy and ability to take care of others. Don’t ever feel guilty if you are doing something to better balance your life and build your strength in the areas listed above.

We can learn a lot from other cultures. Some seem to have this concept of balance figured out. In the book “Happiness around the world: The paradox of Happy Peasants and Miserable Millionaires” author Carol Graham talks about the “The grumbling rich man may well be less happy than the contented peasant, but he does have a higher standard of living.”
Beyond the necessities of enough food, shelter, heat and clothing, we all rely on relationships and meaningful work to determine our levels of happiness. We can be happy on very little monitarily.

• How does seeking the Lord’s way bring happiness?

As a member of the church of Jesus Christ, I believe and trust that The Lord’s way is the only way that will bring lasting, true happiness to our lives. We’ve been given insight and understanding about who we are and whose we are. We know why we are here, what we are to do and what happens next. We have answers to many of the pressing questions that people through the ages have had in regards to what truly brings happiness. Lasting happiness comes through following the example of Jesus Christ. True, sustainable happiness comes in conducting our lives according to our knowledge of right and wrong. True happiness is a product of knowing that even through our trials, our disappointments, our shortcomings and our unhappy times, that there is something larger and something bigger and better ahead if we just stay the course.

My situation and discovery came much in the same way as another young woman named Melody McGrath as shared in the New Era:

“Could one actually seek happiness? And seek it contritely and humbly? For some reason I had always thought that happiness was some sort of innate gift—you either had it or you didn’t. I had never really considered that in order to be happy, I might have to really put forth an effort. Suddenly I realized that, like any other principle of the gospel, including faith, hope, charity, and mercy, happiness is something that requires work and a measure of self-discipline, as well as divine help, to achieve and maintain.
Of course, misery often seemed like the easier option: it would take much less effort to sit in my room, listen to sad songs, and think about the ways my life is less than perfect. But I realized that, not only was my unhappiness damaging to me and to those who love me, but it was also a rejection of God’s gifts, a rejection of the great plan of happiness. Now when I pray I ask for the Lord’s help in achieving an inner happiness that exists regardless of the trials. I actually tried to be cheerful, to appreciate the many wonderful things about my life and the world in which we live. New Era, June 1996, page 8.

Happiness! It's over!

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, Harper Collins Publisher, 2009.
A “happiness project” is an approach to changing your life. First is the preparation state, when you identify what brings you joy, satisfaction and engagement, and also what brings you guilt, anger, boredom and remorse. Second is the making of resolutions, when you identify the concrete actions that will boost your happiness. Then comes the interesting part: Keeping those resolutions.

January – Boost Energy – Vitality

February – Remember Love – Marriage

March – Aim Higher – Work

April – Lighten Up – Parenthood

May – Be Serious about Play – Leisure

June – Make Time for Friends – Friendship

July – Buy Some Happiness – Money

August – Contemplate the Heavens – Eternity

September – Pursue a Passion – Books

October – Pay Attention – Mindfulness

November – Keep a Contented Heart – Attitude

December – Boot Camp Perfect! – Happiness!!!

The Art of Happiness by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D., Riverhead Books, 10th Anniversary Edition, 2008

We endeavored to bring our discussion to the basic human level, the level where distinctions between people – gender, race, religions, culture and language – break down. At this fundamental level, we are all the same; each one of us aspires to happiness and each one of us does not wish to suffer.

If you want others to be happy practice compassion; and if you want yourself to be happy practice compassion.

These spiritual traditions teach us to feel connected with our fellow beings and with the world we live in. They celebrate service to others as one of the highest virtues.

Researchers on human happiness identify compassionate service to others as one of the key characteristics shared by many of the world’s happiest people.

When we help others, the focus of our mind assumes a broader horizon within which we are able to see our petty problems in a more realistic proportion.

From – The Joy of the Journey, Ardeth Greene Kapp, Deseret Book Company, 1992.

• The joy of the journey comes not only in the anticipation of our ultimate destination, but also when our eyes are opened and we learn to experience the wonders of life and goodness of life even while we are faced with the challenges.
  

• We may feel the need to schedule, program, and calendar good times when what we really need is to be awakened to the unprogrammed, unexpected and beautiful things that take place every day.

• Unless we learn to take control of the present, we will always live in anticipation of better days in the future. And when those days arrive, we shall still be looking ahead, making it difficult to enjoy the here and now.
  

• We live in a time when happiness if too often determined by the things we accumulate, collect, measure, and even compare in relation to what others gather, accumulate, collect, measure and compare. This pattern of living never brings happiness.

• As we seek to do the will of our Father in heaven and strive to walk in his steps each day, we will come to understand the purpose of life and experience the joy of the journey.

Thanks to all of you friends and family members who could make it to the talk yesterday at women's conference. I really appreciated looking out into the audience and seeing your friendly smiling faces. It has been an interesting experience of growth and contemplation for me to think about seeking happiness and joy in the journey of life over the last 4 months!
The President of the United States doesn't have that long to prepare the inaugural address. He must speak to the nation and I only had to speak to 350 +/- Mormon women. Seriously, a person can read a lot and learn a lot about any subject in 4 months. It's been so interesting to talk to people about their experiences and to learn from them how they find happiness in their lives. Some of you asked me to share some of my resources, so I thought I'd start with my three favorite books with some of the best quotes from those books. Each presents a different and valuable perspective.
Did you know that there are 38 scriptures on happiness and 94 scriptures on joy? If you ever want to lift your spirits and increase your happiness, do a topical scripture study of those verses. I really think I broadened my own understanding of being a seeker of happiness in every stage of life, come what may.