36 questions to help you fall in love (again?)

What if there were 36 questions that could help you fall in love? Would you use them?
Well, now you have your chance. There’s a study from almost 20 years ago called “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings,” authored by Arthur Aron and other researchers, which has recently resurfaced in the news thanks to a New York Times article. The purpose of the study was to see whether or not asking a person intimate questions could create an intimate relationship between two people.

Here is the list of questions to take on your next date, road trip or weekend get away.  

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance 'We are both in this room feeling …."
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share …."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

The power of music in the lives of kids

Did you know that music has the power to increase your child’s intelligence? Scientific studies at some of the most respected universities in the world indicate that children introduced to classical music at a young age read earlier and perform better on achievement tests. Discover how introducing your children to good music can: accelerate language development, improve math and science skills, increase memory and concentration, improve reading comprehension and retention, enhance physical coordination and benefit children with learning disabilities and more. This book is a powerful guideline for any parent who wants to help their child develop into a bright, well-rounded and confident adult. Check out Good Music Brighter Children.   Author Sharlene Habermeyer gives you a simple, step-by-step program that any parent can follow.  Different aspects of a piece of music activate parts of the brain not activated before.

This article was recently published in the Deseret News.  It is so interesting to me.  Rick and I are both grateful that our parents encouraged us to take piano lessons.  He became much more proficient in playing the piano than I did and he also learned to play the clarinet.  It is probably due to this early training in music that he became great at memorizing.  It was interesting to learn that the process of learning to play the piano has intellectual benefits.  Also, listening to music, especially classical music is "somewhat magical in its ability to teach and reach, enhancing learning and building enduring skills."  The earlier the lessons, the stronger the connections.

Sing together

Teach children simple songs

Beat out rhythm

Play classical music in the background at home

Spent 20-30 minutes a day reading together

Put lessons or memorization of lists or concepts into songs

Sing songs that combine words with actions

 
Besides increasing learning abilities in children and adults, music has the ability to bond us together as communities.  Supporting the arts in our local communities is something I'm passionate about.  I do believe that music is an intrinsic part of a well-rounded, high quality life.
I'm so happy to see our children teaching their children music appreciation.  Our daughter Jordan is a Let's Play Music teacher in her area and she is teaching music skills and appreciation to her own children and many others she invites into her home each week.  Our daughter Claire and DIL Courtney are great at reading to their children, singing with them and and teaching them little songs and rhymes.  They all have musical toys to make music and rhythms and sounds.  Our SIL R is a great classical music lover as well.  I'm so glad that music is a big part of the lives of our grandchildren because I think it will benefit them greatly in their lives.




And don't be alarmed if a kid shows a poor attitude along the way!  It's all good!  She is as smart as a whip, so music appreciation must have helped her somehow!

Happy Grandparents Day!

Did you know that last Sunday was grandparents day? Me neither.  It isn't a holiday that is widely celebrated like Mother's Day or Father's Day. But maybe it should be.
About 60 percent of all adults 50 and older are grandparents, including 80 percent of widowed persons and 13 percent of never-marrieds in that age bracket. The ranks of grandparents swelled by 50 percent in just 25 years. According to new research and this article, grand parenting isn't what it use to be.  The article points out that baby-boomers (my generation) have changed everything their whole lives, so why not change grand parenting? 

Key findings include:

• The vast majority of grandparents in the quantitative study said they play a very (59%) or somewhat (30%) important role in the lives of their grandchildren.
• About seven in ten (69%) grandparents live within 50 miles of their closest grandchildren. Another 10% indicated that they have to travel over 200 miles to see their closest grandchildren. A little over four in ten (43%) grandparents have to travel over 200 miles to see their grandchildren who live furthest away from them.
• Grandparents who said they did not see their grandchildren enough most often cited distance (67%) as a reason why; followed by the grandchildren’s busy schedules (64%).
• The most frequently mentioned methods of communicating with grandchildren were either face-to-face or telephone. In the telephone survey, nearly six in ten grandparents said they speak with their grandchildren at least once a week (58%).
• Grandparents see their role as shapers of another generation. Specifically, grandparents mentioned the importance of passing on values and helping their grandchildren develop morally and spiritually.
• The majority of grandparents in the telephone survey indicated that they have discussed morals and values (78%) and religion or spirituality (66%) with at least one of their grandchildren. As a corollary, nearly half (47%) indicated that they have attended religious services with their grandchildren in the past six months.

Grandparents represent one of America's largest and most underutilized natural resources, they are healthier today than ever before, more vital and they have more financial resources than grandparents did in previous generations.  Many grandparents like to give their grandchildren cultural experiences and take them on trips. Grandparents desire to share family history, teach grandchildren things they felt were important and to love unconditionally. At least half of grandparents discuss very serious topics with grandkids, including sex, drugs, underage drinking, morality and dating. By the numbers, 78 percent talk to them about morals and values, 73 percent discuss personal safety, 72 chime in on school and career plans and 66 percent on religion/spirituality.

I've had the good fortune to spend some quality and quantity time with each of my eight darling grandchildren in the last couple of months. They are such fun and interesting little people and it is a joy to watch them grow and develop.

Grandparents have never been better connected and now they have the opportunity to talk on cell phones, text messages, talk over Face time or Skype and share information on social media outlets.  I love to stay connected with my little grand kids through most of these outlets.

Grandparents are important people.  I think it is important to find ways to keep the channels of communication open and for grandparents to take opportunities to spend time with their grandchildren in meaningful, memorable and fun ways.  I love being a grandparent and look forward to future shared experiences with my GRANDS.

Pioneer day

We recently celebrated the arrival of the Mormon pioneers to the Salt Lake valley in Utah on July 24, 1847.  Our son Dave was asked to give a talk on his pioneer heritage in his ward in Charlotte, NC.  Here are some of his notes from the talk.  I thought they were so good and worth sharing. 

My pioneer stories (which you can look up on lds.org!!)

• On March 28, 1857, the American ship George Washington left Liverpool England for Boston carrying 817 members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as they headed to gather together in Zion.
• Aboard was  Charlotte Tarrant Banford, age 43 (my 4^th great grandma), twice widowed, 1 child from first marriage,  Job Pingree (age 20), my 3^rd great grandpa, and 6 children from 2^nd marriage (ages 11-4), and Job’s future wife Mary Morgan
• First four days, rough seas, everyone seasick, their belongings and boxes all broken and strewn everywhere
• Up at 5 or 6, clean, prayers, breakfast, various duties throughout the day, bed by 8 or 9
• April 19^th – arrived in Boston Harbor
• April 23^rd – got on train in Boston, headed west
• Passed through Albany NY, Buffalo NY, Cleveland OH, Toledo OH, Chicago IL, arrived in Iowa City, IA on April 30^th
• June 3^rd – depart Iowa City as part of the Jesse B. Martin Company (company of 192 people)
• June 22^nd, near Council Bluffs– Richard (4), Charlotte’s son, dies of measles, they bury him by the side of the trail
• “Heavy was the heart of that dear mother as she turned her eyes west to face she knew not what, but with faith that God would help her through.”
• Cattle Stampede along banks of North Platte River – John Banford (5) is killed, Charlotte’s daughter Martha (Job’s step sister) seriously injured
• Job’s experience:
• “I walked all the way from Iowa City to Utah and every other night had to be on guard half the night with the cattle. We got along pretty well until we came to the Platte River bottom where there was lots of buffalo. Then we had trouble with our cattle stampeding and running off. Several of the cattle were lost and one of ours happened to be lost so we had to work a cow from there to Utah. When we camped at night our wagons were put in the shape of a horse shoe, only left narrow so we could drive the cattle in to catch them. One morning when we were yoking them up and hitching them to the wagons they stampeded—running over people and one old man was killed. My Mother had a little boy killed and her daughter Martha's hip was broken so she had to be hauled in the wagon all the way to Utah.
• At this place Elder Latey and several others left the company and went back to Omaha and lived there. At this place we could see the land black with buffalo for miles. We also saw many small herds of deer grazing in the distance. In our travels we crossed many streams of water. On account of the loss of cattle the ladies had to walk and to save them wading streams, I carried many of them over. I also helped get feed for the cattle carry water and wood or buffalo chips to cook with.”
• September 12, 1857 – arrive in Salt Lake,
• September 22, 1857 – settle in Odgen
• Were persecuted on trains, on the trail, never giving up hope or giving up on their faith – 6 month journey, covered nearly 5,000 miles, left behind their home, their country, family, friends, and belongings, all because they believed that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored and the prophet had asked all the saints to gather together to Zion.
• I am proud of my pioneer heritage – all four of my grandparents are descendants of pioneers, lds.org lists 40 of my ancestors as being Mormon pioneers, and I am grateful for their sacrifices, faith, endurance, and perseverance

 

Shared pioneer history

• However, this pioneer history is not limited to only those direct descendants.
• President Uchtdorf, in the April 2008 General Conference, speaking on the faith of our fathers, said:
• “The faith of our fathers—I love that phrase.  For many members of the Church, these words bring to mind valiant pioneers who abandoned the comfort of their homes and traveled by wagon and on foot until they reached the valley of the Great Salt Lake. I love and honor the faith and courage of those early pioneers of the Church. My own ancestors were living an ocean away at the time. None were among those who lived in Nauvoo or Winter Quarters, and none made the journey across the plains. But as a member of the Church, I claim with gratitude and pride this pioneer legacy as my own.”
• I believe that all of us who are members of the church, actual pioneer descendants or not, can claim as President Uchtdorf does, that legacy.

 

What it means to us today

• This pioneer heritage that we all share should inspire us to do more and be better saints, better members of the church.
• Elder Ballard, in the October 2008 General Conference, stated:
• “We are all needed to finish the work that was begun by those pioneering Saints over 175 years ago and carried out through the subsequent decades by faithful Saints of every generation. We need to believe as they believed. We need to work as they worked. We need to serve as they served. And we need to overcome as they overcame.

• Of course, our challenges are different today, but they are no less demanding. Instead of angry mobs, we face those who constantly try to defame. Instead of extreme exposure and hardship, we face alcohol and drug abuse, pornography, all kinds of filth, sleaze, greed, dishonesty, and spiritual apathy. Instead of families being uprooted and torn from their homes, we see the institution of the family, including the divine institution of marriage, under attack as groups and individuals seek to define away the prominent and divine role of the family in society.
• This is not to suggest that our challenges today are more severe than the challenges faced by those who have gone before us. They are just different. The Lord isn’t asking us to load up a handcart; He’s asking us to fortify our faith. He isn’t asking us to walk across a continent; He’s asking us to walk across the street to visit our neighbor. He isn’t asking us to give all of our worldly possessions to build a temple; He’s asking us to give of our means and our time despite the pressures of modern living to continue to build temples and then to attend regularly the temples already built. He isn’t asking us to die a martyr’s death; He’s asking us to live a disciple’s life."

• I hope that we can remember and reflect on our shared pioneer heritage, and strive to be better saints because of it

Mothering

Mother's Day always brings a mixed bag of feelings for most of the women I know.  Some are mothers, some aren't.  Some wanted to become mothers, but couldn't.  Some became mothers and didn't want to. A few opted out of motherhood. Some never married.  A few lost their mothers at a young age.  Most love being a mother and consider it one of their greatest accomplishments in life (myself included.)  Some had great mothers, others had terrible mothers.  Some mothers scarred their children and some helped them lay a solid foundation for their lives.  Some tried and failed to meet their own expectations.  Some didn't try very hard or didn't know what to do.  Some took the road out and abdicated their role to others.  A few gave their children to others to raise because they knew they couldn't get the job done. Others feel guilty because their children have made wrong choices and have headed down thorny paths.

Whatever the case, the emotional baggage of this day is enormous.  Love, pride, guilt, sense of accomplishment, sense of guilt, shame, remorse, heartache, blame, longing, and unfulfilled expectations are just some of the emotions that women deal with on this day when we celebrate Mothers. Most of the emotions are positive, but if they are negative, then can be really negative.  It's common knowledge that mothers have a huge impact on their children and can bless their lives or make their lives very, very difficult. This is messy business. It isn't measurable. It isn't defined. We can't always see the results of our efforts. Mothers often minimize their successes and maximize personal weakness.

I really like this article I read recently entitled "how (and why) to be the meanest mom in the world."
The author suggested the following strategies to work towards the title of being the "meanest mom in the world."  She suggests:

1. Make your kids go to bed at a reasonable time.

2. Don’t give your kids dessert every day. 

3. Make them pay for their own stuff.

4. Don’t pull strings. 

5. Make them do hard things.

6. Give them a watch and an alarm clock. 

7. Don’t always buy the latest and greatest. 

8. Let them feel loss. 

9. Control media. Control media.  Control media.

10. Make them apologize. 

11. Mind their manners.

12. Make them work — for free. 

Of course the words "make them" and "meanest mom" actually show who is the mom and who is the kid.  It may sound forceful and too mean, but I think it actually shows something positive.   Sometimes I think that parents are so busy trying to be "the best friend" that the lines between who is the parent and who is the kid are blurred.  Those lines tend to disappear then a children grows up and leaves  home, but for ages 0-18 years of age, I think they need to be in place.  Someone (mom and dad) need to be in charge and set EXPECTATIONS for behavior, time management and future goals.  I always liked the motto that parents need to have "a tight grip on loose reins."  Parenting styles vary considerably, but I think that those who are most successful are those who are in charge, who set expectations, who set limits and who enforce those limits not with an iron fist, but with love and firmness and kindness.  Children need to know that their parents love them first and foremost, but they also need to know that they are being prepared for the future and that they can use their agency along the way.  Sometimes the best teacher is suffering the consequences of poor choice.

How can we share the good of this holiday with our own daughters so the next generation of mothers feel the sacredness of their roles without the pressure to be perfect?

My own wonderful four sisters are great examples of these principles.  Between us, we have raised 21 children to adulthood (with a couple of teenagers bringing up the rear.)  It hasn't always been easy.  There have been bumps along the way, but we have all tried our best for the most part to have "a tight grip on loose reins."  We knew what to do because we had a mother who taught us how to be mothers.  My mom, Mary (and my dad Earl), raised the five of us along with two brothers.  We each had different temperaments, different talents and abilities, and we each presented her/them with different challenges as a mother and father  We still do! But, she stuck with it and over the years we have shared so many wonderful experiences and we have learned a lot from their examples and teachings. I grew up knowing that my parents had high expectations for me because they LOVED me and BELIEVED in me.  I've try to give as good as I got and I thank my mother and her mother before her and her mother before her... for teaching me how to be a good mother. This is a gift that is beyond measure and I thank my mother for being "the meanest mom in the world."