July 8, 1983

My dad has been gone for 30 years now.  30 years.  Think of all the living, all the loving, all the adventures, achievements, heartache, set backs and milestones that have been experienced in that time.  He missed it all and we have missed his influence and his participation in our lives all those years. I do like to think that he is aware of us and our happenings, to some degree.  It's sometimes hard to not think about what might have been.  My children didn't even get the chance to know him and that makes me the saddest of all.  Rick knew him and loved him and for that I am grateful.  He understands when I speak of him in glowing terms and he agrees with the accolades.

Dad passed away on July 8, 1983.  He was only 61 years old and our mother was 56. I was just a kid at 28 years old.  Rick and I had our two little children, Jordan and Claire who were three years old and a year and a half.  It was a busy and stressful time for us. Rick had  graduated from BYU law school and he was preparing for the bar exam.  I was still working trying to make some money to make ends meet.  Dad had been diagnosed with cancer growing on his spine in October of 1982.  From that point until the end of his life we had hope and prayed that he would beat it somehow.  It wasn't to be.  He passed away in our home in Rupert early on a hot summer day.  We were all surrounding his bed, knowing that they end was near.  His mother was still living and it about killed her to bury her oldest son.  Our mom tended to his needs for those long months of his illness, surgeries and treatments and it was the hardest thing she has even done to lose her sweet husband.  The pain of separation was raw and real and it lasted a long time.  His siblings, my siblings, their spouses and the other grandchildren all wept and suffered greatly at his passing.  It was a staggering loss for all of us of a dear, sweet, kind man who had influenced our lives for good in so many ways.  It was hard to understand.  I miss him still.  I'll miss him always until I see him again.

And this is the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ!  I can see him again!  I believe that he is in a place where he was been busily engaged in a good cause for these past 30 years.  Although we can't see him, we know his spirit still exists and that someday it will be reunited with his body.  I've always had the desire to see him again, to be with him again, to hug him, to see his clear blue eyes and to dwell where he is.  I know it is possible.  I have to do my part.  I have to follow God's plan and to follow the example of the Savior.  I need to apply the atonement in my life and repent of my many wrong doings.  I need to strive to be all that I can and work towards that goal.  If I do what I can, the Savior will make up the rest and my dream of seeing my father will come to pass. We have to do, not just believe for faith without works is dead.

I've been reminded of these core principles as we've been with Rick's dad these past many weeks.  His 89 year old body is failing. His spirit is strong, but the flesh is worn out.  He keeps sharing little pieces of advice like "it doesn't matter how long you live, it only matters how you live."  "Do your part so that we can be together as a family always."  'I love you all." 

It's an amazing thought to realize that I was only on the earth for 28 years with my dad.  Four of those years overlapped when I met my father-in-law or my dad #2 and got married.  The last 30 years I have only had my dad #2.  It's been a longer space of time that I've been without my dad than I was with him.  That is kind of hard to believe.  I just know it's been a long, long time since I last saw my dad, by I'm very glad that I've had the influence, love and support of my dad #2.   These spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical giants are/were in our lives to make them better and to be examples of how to live life well. I'm so grateful for a father and a father-in-law who have had a tremendous impact of my life for good. I'm just feeling so grateful right now.  Very, very grateful.