The new normal

Is anything truly normal?  Life is constantly changing and "normal" usually doesn't last for very long.  Things come and go.  Relationships change.  People change (some for the better, some for the worst.)  Jobs, homes and interests change.  People grow up, grow older and they try and endure the hand they are dealt.  Life.  The only constant thing about it is...change. There is no going back to the "old normal."

Last July 2 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  That realization changed a lot of things.  More than anything it made me realize that I'm not in control of much of anything.  I had a life plan.  I was working my plan.  Life was going along well.  Then...boom! Change.  I'm still working my plan but I'm much more aware of the precious time we are given in this life and of the precarious position we are in at all times.  Relationships are what matter most.  Accumulating "stuff" and possessions matter least. I've been the recipient of tremendous love and support.  I know who I can count on.  Some power, some larger plan is in control of the details of our lives and if we can learn to have faith, patience and hope, we can weather the storms that will surely come our way.  I've decided that everyone has challenges.  They test us, try us and make us dig deep to see what we are truly made of.  Our reaction to our challenges is a pretty good measure of who we really are and who we trust and turn to when the going gets tough.  I decided long ago to put my faith in God.  I truly believe that He was a plan for me and mine.  He knows what challenges I need to refine my body, mind and soul.  This past year has taught me that.  He is in control.  He loves me.  I love Him.

This last year has been a journey through new experience and uncertainty.  I'm winding down on the new experiences.  I've got three more doses of Herceptin and then I can get the port removed from my neck. The uncertainty will remain and I will live with it now.  Will the cancer return?  When?  Where?  What can be done about it?  Those kinds of questions inevitably go through a person's mind.  I don't dwell of them, but they are part of the new normal. I've had cancer in my body and while I'm hopeful it has been eradicated, they are no guarantees.  Next week I go in for a mammogram.  I'm hoping for a "normal" review of things of course, but have to also prepare for any eventuality. Part of the new normal is that breast cancer is now a member of our family. Like it or not, those are the facts.

My new normal involves changes to my body that weren't there before.  Of course my hair looks so different.  My little grand daughter saw my wig on the dresser and wanted to know when I was going to wear it again.  I asked her if she wanted me to wear it every day and cover up my short salt and pepper hair and she said yes.  That look was the "old normal" look that people are use to and comfortable with.  I don't look like I use to look.  I'm OK with that.  I'm not the same person.  I don't want to go back to coloring my hair and wearing it longer.  Been there, done that. I'm different and I'm going to embrace that difference, knowing that it will take people time to get use to the new normal.
I bruise easily.  I usually have some bruise somewhere on my body from simply bumping into things.  I have neuropathy in my hands and feet. The bottoms of my feet close to my toes are numb.  Can't feel much and that feels weird.  My toes feel like they are on fire many times during the day.  My fingertips are numb and very dry.  I hope that changes with time but it may not.  Chemo kills off the bad cancer cells and some of the good cells as well and can cause nerve damage.  A few lingering digestive issues may remain.  Overall, I feel fine and I'm grateful for that, considering the poison treatments that were put in my body.  I'm grateful to be standing and moving forward to find my new normal.  My oncologist told me that if I completed all my treatments, I would have a good chance of a 90% survival rate. One year done, hopefully many more to go! The first two years after diagnosis are critical.  Get past those and I should be good to continue to enjoy my "new normal" life.