Parenting adult children

Another class at BYU women's conference I enjoyed and learned from was taught by a woman in our area that I greatly admire named Lloya. She is the mother of 10 or 11 children and she is a fabulous woman in every way. I've known her for years and I always learn from her. She is a great thinker and writer and her thought blog is evidence of this (along with her main blog.)
Her topic was on how to effectively parent adult children. She should know, she has a slug of them and they are wonderful people.
Here are some notes I took from her talk:

• put yourself in the position of your adult child. How would you want your parents to handle any given situation? Put the shoe on the other foot. Remember, remember, remember when you were that age.
• encourage your children to use their agency and to rely on personal revelation to find answers to their questions and problems.
• discuss and council, listen carefully to what they are saying, talk about the pros and the cons of different situations, guide them to the Lord to make decisions, Jacob 1:17, but don't tell them what to do!
  
• exercise faith in them and remember that Heavenly Father knows them best and that He will assist them as they turn to Him for help
• in-law children may cause anxiety. Remember that it takes about a year for a young married couple to adjust and find their way in doing things. Let the new family unit function on its own.
• don't monopolize your children and their spouse. Let their in-law family have their fair share of time with them. Don't think or ever say that your traditions are cooler or better than another family. The traditions and ways of doing things of one family are never superior to another family. They are just their traditions and ways. There is no perfect way. Period.
  
• treat your in-law children better than you treat your own children. It will come back to you in ways you can't even imagine. Strive to truly love your in-law children. Appreciate their different styles, talents and gifts and encourage them as your would your own.
  
• set expectations in jello, not stone on attending family events. Let the couple decide. Don't keep tract and don't keep a tally, even mentally. Free your mind and heart for more meaningful things.
• encourage generosity of feeling towards the spouses family. Be an example and don't speak ill of them. Ever.
• don't take sides in a disagreement between your child and their spouse. Offer a sympathetic ear and heart, but don't get in the middle.
• they help us, we help them. Give and take in extended families. Everyone contributes. Share meals and make sure everyone has an assignment. Take turns in family functions and give everyone a chance to host.
• don't give them too much by way of material things, even if you are able. It's against the principles of self reliance. They need to learn the lessons that come with figuring things out. Don't save them unless they really need help, and then ASK them if they want help.
• stay strong and hold to Heavenly Father's plan. Keep our faith in the plan. Be of good cheer.
• adult children have adult problems. Assist, encourage and cheer them on, but don't try and solve their problems or take them away. Remember the importance of parenting vs. overprotecting our adult children.
• reciprocity is based more on mutual acts of service and caring. For example, as adult children have conversations with their parents, they can express interest, ask questions, listen empathetically, and offer encouragement, praise, and support. As adult children nurture friendships with their parents, there comes an emotional reciprocity in the relationship that is largely independent of financial reciprocity.

Lloya referenced this article by Dr. Rick Miller (who I know well, btw.) It's a great article to review even if your married children aren't so newly-wed anymore. It contains great advice.

For Newlyweds and Their Parent, by Richard B. Miller,Professor of Family Life, Brigham Young University

"When children marry, a fundamental shift should occur in their relationship with their parents.
Relationships between adult children and parents don’t really change until there is reciprocity in the relationship. Relationships develop an equal footing when both people give to each other, but when only one party gives and the other takes, an unequal relationship develops. An adult-to-adult relationship can be established only upon the principle of reciprocity."