The Empty Nest

The Empty Nest - a book review
Claire gave me this book last year for my birthday. I've really enjoyed reading it. It's been helpful to be reminded that I'm not alone in my feelings of missing my children. The thing that's hard is not only the experience of trying to get accustomed to having our children out of the house, but also deciding what to do with myself now that they are gone. The book has been listed on my blog bookshelf for some time now. I finished it long ago, so I thought I'd give it a shout out today. It is a compilation of articles from 31 different parents. It's amazing to see how many people have similar feelings about the Empty Nest, even though their circumstances vary greatly. Here are some of my favorite quotes that express sentiments similar to my own:

#1 - I use to be the preferred one for my children and I miss that feeling. But, what was I thinking...that they would stay attached to me forever...ah maybe...well not attached, just in love with me.Yes, they do love me, it is just the definition of love keeps changing... I thought it meant chatting and spending time together. But then again, when I was in my twenties and thirties, I did’t chat and spend that much time with my folks.
So here it is... “get over yourself, mother”... that is what I tell myself... I am so much more than a mother, but I needed them to kick me out of the house so to speak.
#2 - The insidious thing about Sarah leaving is how subtly the balance tipped - how we endorsed the inevitable without realizing it. We taught her to flee, didn't we? We took her places and showed her the world beyond the safety of her crib. We encouraged her to take a look around, and once she's gone I will have lots of time to wonder why we didn't stick to the neighborhood, where we might have successfully raised a kid who never wanted to be more than a zip code away. We cannot hold Sarah back, and who would want to? Sarah leaving is a work in progress -- and leaving really is the wrong word, since it implies an absolute state, either here or gone, and she is not that. She will never be gone, no matter where she is, because feelings, because family, survive circumstance. Sarah is our girl, always. I might be able to put the sad moments in their place, and to be glad that my happy child wants to stay at the party, whatever the party is, for just a little while longer. Love like this requires faith.
#3 - It's not simply the loss of these particular people, living here day in , day out, the bickering, the inside jokes, the cereal bowls in the sink, and the towels in the hamper - all right, on the floor. It was who I was when I was with them: the general to their battalion, the president to their cabinet. Sometimes I just go into their rooms and just stand, touching their books, looking out their windows. "The shrine" the youngest says derisively. Three empty rooms, full of the ghosts of my very best self. Mom is my real name. It is, it is.
#4 - Mothering understood that separation is the destiny of mother and child, and it is the mother's job to remember this -- for the child's sake. Mothering knew that you have to raise your children to go away, or else you've failed utterly.
#5 - Never forget where you came from. One thing about having an empty nest, is that I have had time to think more about my own parents and about my departure a lifetime ago. I was so indifferent to what they went through. I put all my energy into separating myself from them as far as possible, both physically and emotionally because I was an adult and anxious to prove that fact. It wasn't until I became a parent myself that my roots began to matter to me - and my parents' struggles after I left became more understandable. We can't go back an undo the past, but we can learn from it.
#6 - After Darrah left, a particular engine of self began to rumble and move - the one that travels through time. I find that I feel much younger and distinctly older than I did before, and in ways I never could have predicted. Looking back, I think that this abrupt entry into a new life stage was like a cage door swinging open for a zoo animal: I didn't immediately realize that I was free...I began to experience an odd sense of lightness. It was as though springtime had entered by brain and body. It was the bodied experience of youth....I'm referring to feeling young in the specific way I did as an adult in my twenties and thirties, before becoming a mother. Back then, I had the relative luxury of obsessing about just one person - Me. I'd just spent 20 years reeling with the worries, plans and daily concerns of another human being and now she was launched into her own realm. I would always love her and be concerned about her, but I did not have the power to guarantee her happiness or well-being. That was up to her now and that recognition gave me an enormous sense of freedom.

There is a lot written on dealing with the Empty Nest on the internet. Here is a sample:



7 ways to Vanquish the Empty Nest Blues see this article

Plan Ahead
The Importance of Friends
Rekindle Romance
Rekindle Friendships
Volunteer
Nurture Your Extended Family
Explore Your own Talents and Abilities

It's your turn.

Home Alone

I wonder how long it will take me to be comfortable with being home alone.
The first summer after we got married, I worked full-time at a fabric store at the mall and I was never home alone. That fall Rick started graduate school and I started working another job full-time during the day and I was never home alone. Jordan came along when I was still working full-time. I didn't stop working until Rick had a job and we had two children to keep me company. Then I quit my job and I was home, but I wasn't alone. This continued for 27 years.

Last year Andy moved out and went to live in an apartment with his friends. I came home after work in the afternoon to an empty house. I'd be alone for 2-3 hours until Rick got home. It was kind of unnerving. It was so quiet. It was kind of lonely. I had to figure out things to do to keep busy. I really missed my kids. I loved all their activity, their friends, conversations with them and events to attend and frankly, I liked doing stuff for them. It gave me purpose and direction. Tears were shed when they all left, but I've tried to be brave and stay productive. The Empty Nest was/is a hard reality for me to face.

Now it's been almost a year since we've had any kids living in our home. Their bedrooms have all been emptied of their stuff (except for Andy's room.) I've been home alone in the afternoon most days. Sometimes I think of things to do so I don't have to go home alone. It's still so different. I'm not scared, I'm just alone. It's hard to describe. I like to do my own things, but it seems so selfish.

I can't imagine living alone. I know this much - living alone isn't for wimps. Seriously, how do people do it? Thank goodness I have a husband who does come home at night. We love our evenings together and we are enjoying this time when it is just the two of us again.

I just have one question...will it take me 27 years to get use to not having our children in our home?

HPV

This morning when I read the newspaper, I saw this obituary. I don't often read the obituaries, but sometimes one will stand out because of the young age of the person. Here is what it said (I deleted the last names):

Pamela lost her battle with cervical cancer in the early morning hours of Saturday, January 10, 2009; she was 38.Pam was an incredible mom to five amazing kids and wife to Ben, the love of her life. Pam was a bright star in a sometimes not-so-friendly world. People were drawn to Pam wherever she went.She was a best friend, great sister, loving daughter and just a joy to know. She was one of those people who made you feel special just because you are you. Her spirit was one of love, hope and absolute determination. Her positive, loving attitude was contagious and she always could make you laugh no matter the circumstances. She touched many and she will be sorely missed.She is survived by her husband Ben, her children: Austin, Torie, Dallen , and Masen Wake, and Ryker; her parents Ken and Sherry, many aunts, uncles, cousins and nieces and nephews, and her sidekick, her dog, Reload. She is also survived by a family she dearly loved, Ben's parents Kevin and Teri.

What a sad obituary. My heart goes out to the family of this young woman. Cervical cancer took the life of a beautiful young mother.

It isn't easy to talk about this topic, but for some it could be a matter of life or death. There is new information available about HPV if you are not aware of the recent advances taken to fight cervical cancer. Check out this information here. "A vaccine can now protect females from the four types of HPV that cause most cervical cancers and genital warts. The vaccine is recommended for 11 and 12 year-old girls. It is also recommended for girls and women age 13 through 26 who have not yet been vaccinated or completed the vaccine series....So the only sure way to prevent HPV is to avoid all sexual activity.
Individuals can also lower their chances of getting HPV by being in a mutually faithful relationship with someone who has had no or few sex partners. However, even people with only one lifetime sex partner can get HPV, if their partner was infected with HPV. For those who are not in long-term mutually monogamous relationships, limiting the number of sex partners and choosing a partner less likely to be infected may lower the risk of HPV. Partners less likely to be infected include those who have had no or few prior sex partners. But it may not be possible to determine if a partner who has been sexually active in the past is currently infected."

Good news! A vaccine designed to protect against the two most common cancer-causing types of the HPV virus is available! The first such HPV vaccine, called Gardasil® (developed by Merck & Co., Inc.), was approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in June 2006. Another, called Cervarix™ (made by GlaxoSmithKline, Inc.), is in developement. With the introduction of the first HPV vaccine, the dream of eliminating cervical cancer is increasingly within reach.

And this article:
Key Points About HPV:
HPV (human papillomavirus) is a common virus that infects the skin and mucous membranes.
There are about 100 types of HPV. Approximately 30 of those are spread through genital contact (typically sexual intercourse). Around 12 – called "low-risk" types of HPV – can cause genital warts. In addition, there are approximately 15 "high-risk" types of HPV that can cause cervical cancer.
It is estimated that 80 percent of all women – and 50 percent of men and women combined – will get one or more types of "genital" HPV at some point in their lives.
Although risk factors like smoking can contribute to your chance of developing cervical disease, HPV must first be present.
Fortunately, in most people, the body's immune system fights off or suppresses the HPV virus before it causes problems. It is only when the infection persists that it can cause cells to become abnormal.
Infection with the most common types of "genital" HPV can be prevented with the HPV vaccine. However, vaccination is only fully effective if administered before a girl or young woman has been exposed to those types of HPV through sexual contact. In addition, the vaccine does not protect against all types of HPV that can cause cervical cancer. Thus, it is important to get a regular Pap and – if you're over 30 – an HPV test, even if you've been vaccinated. A Pap can identify abnormal cells, and the digene HPV Test detects the presence of 13 high-risk types of HPV. Together, they help make sure abnormal cells are diagnosed and treated early.

What can you do to prevent cervical cancer?

The best way to protect yourself is to get regular cervical cancer screenings with the Pap and – if you're older than 30 – the HPV test. Together, these tests determine if you are likely to have or to develop abnormal cells that could become cancerous if not removed. If your Pap looks abnormal and HPV testing shows you have an infection with a high-risk type of the virus, your doctor, nurse or other healthcare professional can perform an additional exam called a colposcopy to determine if any abnormal cells need to be removed.

Virtue

What does this word mean to you?
If interested, see this talk given by Sister Elaine Dalton "A Return to Virtue" in the October 2008 General Conference and read her definition.
On 12/14/08 Sister Mary Cook, 1st counselor in the general YW presidency taught the RS lesson at the MTC on the topic. She told us about the addition of the value of virtue to the YW theme. She said this is a BIG deal, since the theme hasn't been changed in years. They will now have to reprint all the Personal Progress materials and add new lessons and activities to support this new value. But with the support of the 1st presidency, they have proceeded. This is how important they all feel that it is to put an emphasis on the value of VIRTUE for latter-day saint young women. She said that there would be a new emphasis on teaching virtue to the Young Women in the church, in fact, to all members. She said "We hope that there will be a return to virtue. The temple is our focus and worthiness is the key." She said the value color would be gold to remind us of strength, beauty, a refining process that needs to be gone through to achieve success and that it is a precious metal of great value. We explored many scriptures on the subject of virtue. Some of my favorites were:
Proverbs 31:10 - who can find a virtuous woman, for her price is far above rubies
Proverbs 12:4 - a virtuous woman is a crown to her husband
Ruth 3:11 - for all the city of my people know that thou art a virtuous woman (the importance of having a good reputation)
Moroni 9:9 - that which was most precious and dear above all things, which is chastity and virtue
Mark 5:24-34 - the story of the woman touching the robe of Christ and he saying that virtue (or power and strength) had gone out of him
Doctrine and Covenants 121:45 - let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong
the 13th article of Faith...virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy
and the Bible Dictionary - see the word GRACE - it is defined as strength and assistance to do good works, the enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold of eternal life and exaltation, after they have expended their own best efforts.


She said something that really struck me. She said - "You as women are the guardians of the virtue of your own posterity. We cannot leave the teaching of this value of virtue to others. If we don't set the example of being virtuous to our own sons and daughters, how will they know how important it is?" She also said that people are not generally drawing the connection between modesty and virtue. If we are not modest, chances increase dramatically that virtue will not be protected and can be lost.
She asked all the sister missionaries to stand and repeat the YW theme, adding the new value. It was very dramatic and powerful as hundreds of virtuous young women stood to declare:

"We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him. We will 'stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places' (Mosiah 18:9) as we strive to live the Young Women values, which are: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity and Virtue.

"We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation."

Indulgences

House work done - check
Hot bubble bath using products give to me by Dave and Courtney for Christmas - check
Pandora music playing on the computer with a thread from Andrea Bocelli radio - check
A nice tall glass of sassy water - check

Heaven.