Words of wisdom

When Rick was called to serve at the MTC, we were assigned to serve in a branch that was lead by Ted Lyon. President Lyon is a retired BYU Spanish professor, a former mission president in Chile, a former MTC president in Chile and he and Cheryl are now serving as the temple president and matron of the temple in Chile. We got to be good friends with them. He sends us emails that are always so interesting and thought provoking. What follows are his thoughts on the "nature vs. nurture" theory that I frequently think about (and yes Claire, talk about as well) in regard to raising children. I think he may be on to something here. See what you think...

Dear friends,
I'm not even sure why I am writing this short essay, but it's likely because the thoughts have been dancing around in my head for some time and likely won't leave me in peace until I put them down on paper. Read on if you choose.
Somewhere in the late 50s or early 60s President McKay put forth the statement that "No other success in life can compensate for failure in the home." We liked the concept - we all wanted to be successful in our homes, and see our children achieving success. The statement was repeated often, with some variations (I believe Pres. Harold B. Lee said "The most important work you do will be within the walls of your own home'). As our children came to us, in the 60s and 70s, we truly worked very hard to make this oft-repeated gospel maxim a reality. We held our family home evenings, prayed as a family, read scriptures together frequently, took our children camping, involved them in yard work, assigned them chores around the house and yard, and did all that we knew how to do, to make a successful home. We all tried, hard, often recalling the wise statements of Church leaders as we sacrificed for our families.
In the 1970s I was called to serve on the Church Family Home Evening Writing Committee, creating the lessons that used to come out in a new FHE manual each year. One year, 1975 as I recall, we had completed all the lessons and were just finishing up the details, one of which was editing the introductory preface. This preface was always signed by the First Presidency, and so for their approval we simply submitted the same wording as the previous year. A few days later we got the preface back, and a whole sentence had been crossed out. That sentence, from the ''74 manual, concluded with something like, "And inasmuch as parents hold regular family home evenings we promise that not a single one of their children will go astray" (that may not have been the exact wording, but it's very close). We were told that the sentence should not be included because the First Presidency felt that they would be making a promise that could not be kept. We were told that they had already had many upset parents who had written or talked to them telling that they had held FHE faithfully and they were still "losing" their children. So, that sentence no longer appeared in the new manuals from that point on.
My own wonderful home was quite different from the ideals now wisely encouraged by the Church. We never held a formal home evening; family prayer was a rarity, usually just before 7 of us large boys or men approached the small table (and we grumbled, at least under our breath, about having to kneel, and encouraged the voice to be brief). It was usually Mom who "reminded" Dad to have us kneel on the hard kitchen floor. Only a handful of times did we read scriptures together, and I never recall my parents pushing me to read scriptures on my own count (although after age 16 I often did, just before turning out the light). But we attended Church (not 'together' very often, because Dad was always away, speaking in wards throughout the valley and state). We had lively discussions at the dinner table (that sometimes dealt with Church topics). So, despite all the things we didn't do, I feel that I grew up in very successful home (evidenced by sons serving missions, going to college, getting responsible jobs, and all and always serving in the Church).
Now, I don't think we hear this statement "No other success...." much anymore. I think many in the Church hierarchy have come to realize that it's been a great guilt-feeder, that is, it has made parents feel depressingly guilty for things they really should not, and must not feel guilty about, for things they cannot control. These days we hear a talk by Elder Bednar (ain't he great and creative?) saying express love and show it, bear testimony and live it, and be consistent. He simply said to be more diligent and concerned at home. And my parents certainly did those things. Pres. Uctdorf warns us against worldly pursuits at the expense of family and tells us that "the righteous work we do within the walls of our homes is most sacred" - and to not neglect it. These are the current statements of prophets which we must live by today. I hate to feel guilt created by the actions of others, when I think I have been consistent, have shown as much love as I can, and have tried to live my testimony.
In our BYU honors colloquium the (way too) old argument occasionally came up, over whether our individual nature is determined by (1) genes or (2) environment; the worn out concept of Darwin or Behaviorism, the nature/nurture thing. I believe that our lives, and those of our children are more complex than that simple dichotomy. I came up with my own basis for human nature, that it's made up of at least four sources, or forces: (1) genes, yes they certainly affect our lives, (2) the nurture of home, village, country, etc., (3) the divine nature our individual spirit and 'intelligence' brought with us, and finally (4) self determination and moral will. Perhaps there's more. But the home environment is just one of four powers in this complex picture. I do not think that parents can or should feel guilty for the poor choices (my #4) of their children, who have been privileged with moral agency. Each child is so different in what he or she brings (#3) from another realm. For example, our oldest son recalls a home filled with rules of what he could and could not do; his nearest sibling recalls no rules at all, but rather the joy of parental trust and freedom. What made the difference? Likely the genes and the divine spirit with which each came. I suppose I'm saying that there is so much we don't know about our divine children and how to deal with each. They are morally responsible, and usually make good choices. Some don't, but it's long past time for parents to drop the guilt for actions of children who grew up in a good home (#2), and decided to do other things (#3,# 4, perhaps even #1). And further, adult children change, life isn't set for anyone, forever consigned to outer darkness or failure, at least not until the fat lady sings, or Christ comes quickly.
I'll end here. I hope this has stimulated your thoughts and spirits. Ted L