Mothering

Mother's Day always brings a mixed bag of feelings for most of the women I know.  Some are mothers, some aren't.  Some wanted to become mothers, but couldn't.  Some became mothers and didn't want to. A few opted out of motherhood. Some never married.  A few lost their mothers at a young age.  Most love being a mother and consider it one of their greatest accomplishments in life (myself included.)  Some had great mothers, others had terrible mothers.  Some mothers scarred their children and some helped them lay a solid foundation for their lives.  Some tried and failed to meet their own expectations.  Some didn't try very hard or didn't know what to do.  Some took the road out and abdicated their role to others.  A few gave their children to others to raise because they knew they couldn't get the job done. Others feel guilty because their children have made wrong choices and have headed down thorny paths.

Whatever the case, the emotional baggage of this day is enormous.  Love, pride, guilt, sense of accomplishment, sense of guilt, shame, remorse, heartache, blame, longing, and unfulfilled expectations are just some of the emotions that women deal with on this day when we celebrate Mothers. Most of the emotions are positive, but if they are negative, then can be really negative.  It's common knowledge that mothers have a huge impact on their children and can bless their lives or make their lives very, very difficult. This is messy business. It isn't measurable. It isn't defined. We can't always see the results of our efforts. Mothers often minimize their successes and maximize personal weakness.

I really like this article I read recently entitled "how (and why) to be the meanest mom in the world."
The author suggested the following strategies to work towards the title of being the "meanest mom in the world."  She suggests:

1. Make your kids go to bed at a reasonable time.

2. Don’t give your kids dessert every day. 

3. Make them pay for their own stuff.

4. Don’t pull strings. 

5. Make them do hard things.

6. Give them a watch and an alarm clock. 

7. Don’t always buy the latest and greatest. 

8. Let them feel loss. 

9. Control media. Control media.  Control media.

10. Make them apologize. 

11. Mind their manners.

12. Make them work — for free. 

Of course the words "make them" and "meanest mom" actually show who is the mom and who is the kid.  It may sound forceful and too mean, but I think it actually shows something positive.   Sometimes I think that parents are so busy trying to be "the best friend" that the lines between who is the parent and who is the kid are blurred.  Those lines tend to disappear then a children grows up and leaves  home, but for ages 0-18 years of age, I think they need to be in place.  Someone (mom and dad) need to be in charge and set EXPECTATIONS for behavior, time management and future goals.  I always liked the motto that parents need to have "a tight grip on loose reins."  Parenting styles vary considerably, but I think that those who are most successful are those who are in charge, who set expectations, who set limits and who enforce those limits not with an iron fist, but with love and firmness and kindness.  Children need to know that their parents love them first and foremost, but they also need to know that they are being prepared for the future and that they can use their agency along the way.  Sometimes the best teacher is suffering the consequences of poor choice.

How can we share the good of this holiday with our own daughters so the next generation of mothers feel the sacredness of their roles without the pressure to be perfect?

My own wonderful four sisters are great examples of these principles.  Between us, we have raised 21 children to adulthood (with a couple of teenagers bringing up the rear.)  It hasn't always been easy.  There have been bumps along the way, but we have all tried our best for the most part to have "a tight grip on loose reins."  We knew what to do because we had a mother who taught us how to be mothers.  My mom, Mary (and my dad Earl), raised the five of us along with two brothers.  We each had different temperaments, different talents and abilities, and we each presented her/them with different challenges as a mother and father  We still do! But, she stuck with it and over the years we have shared so many wonderful experiences and we have learned a lot from their examples and teachings. I grew up knowing that my parents had high expectations for me because they LOVED me and BELIEVED in me.  I've try to give as good as I got and I thank my mother and her mother before her and her mother before her... for teaching me how to be a good mother. This is a gift that is beyond measure and I thank my mother for being "the meanest mom in the world."