Mothering

Mother's Day always brings a mixed bag of feelings for most of the women I know.  Some are mothers, some aren't.  Some wanted to become mothers, but couldn't.  Some became mothers and didn't want to. A few opted out of motherhood. Some never married.  A few lost their mothers at a young age.  Most love being a mother and consider it one of their greatest accomplishments in life (myself included.)  Some had great mothers, others had terrible mothers.  Some mothers scarred their children and some helped them lay a solid foundation for their lives.  Some tried and failed to meet their own expectations.  Some didn't try very hard or didn't know what to do.  Some took the road out and abdicated their role to others.  A few gave their children to others to raise because they knew they couldn't get the job done. Others feel guilty because their children have made wrong choices and have headed down thorny paths.

Whatever the case, the emotional baggage of this day is enormous.  Love, pride, guilt, sense of accomplishment, sense of guilt, shame, remorse, heartache, blame, longing, and unfulfilled expectations are just some of the emotions that women deal with on this day when we celebrate Mothers. Most of the emotions are positive, but if they are negative, then can be really negative.  It's common knowledge that mothers have a huge impact on their children and can bless their lives or make their lives very, very difficult. This is messy business. It isn't measurable. It isn't defined. We can't always see the results of our efforts. Mothers often minimize their successes and maximize personal weakness.

I really like this article I read recently entitled "how (and why) to be the meanest mom in the world."
The author suggested the following strategies to work towards the title of being the "meanest mom in the world."  She suggests:

1. Make your kids go to bed at a reasonable time.

2. Don’t give your kids dessert every day. 

3. Make them pay for their own stuff.

4. Don’t pull strings. 

5. Make them do hard things.

6. Give them a watch and an alarm clock. 

7. Don’t always buy the latest and greatest. 

8. Let them feel loss. 

9. Control media. Control media.  Control media.

10. Make them apologize. 

11. Mind their manners.

12. Make them work — for free. 

Of course the words "make them" and "meanest mom" actually show who is the mom and who is the kid.  It may sound forceful and too mean, but I think it actually shows something positive.   Sometimes I think that parents are so busy trying to be "the best friend" that the lines between who is the parent and who is the kid are blurred.  Those lines tend to disappear then a children grows up and leaves  home, but for ages 0-18 years of age, I think they need to be in place.  Someone (mom and dad) need to be in charge and set EXPECTATIONS for behavior, time management and future goals.  I always liked the motto that parents need to have "a tight grip on loose reins."  Parenting styles vary considerably, but I think that those who are most successful are those who are in charge, who set expectations, who set limits and who enforce those limits not with an iron fist, but with love and firmness and kindness.  Children need to know that their parents love them first and foremost, but they also need to know that they are being prepared for the future and that they can use their agency along the way.  Sometimes the best teacher is suffering the consequences of poor choice.

How can we share the good of this holiday with our own daughters so the next generation of mothers feel the sacredness of their roles without the pressure to be perfect?

My own wonderful four sisters are great examples of these principles.  Between us, we have raised 21 children to adulthood (with a couple of teenagers bringing up the rear.)  It hasn't always been easy.  There have been bumps along the way, but we have all tried our best for the most part to have "a tight grip on loose reins."  We knew what to do because we had a mother who taught us how to be mothers.  My mom, Mary (and my dad Earl), raised the five of us along with two brothers.  We each had different temperaments, different talents and abilities, and we each presented her/them with different challenges as a mother and father  We still do! But, she stuck with it and over the years we have shared so many wonderful experiences and we have learned a lot from their examples and teachings. I grew up knowing that my parents had high expectations for me because they LOVED me and BELIEVED in me.  I've try to give as good as I got and I thank my mother and her mother before her and her mother before her... for teaching me how to be a good mother. This is a gift that is beyond measure and I thank my mother for being "the meanest mom in the world."

Praise for R

Can a mother-in-law ever say enough good things about her son-in-law?  Some may have to dig deep in order to have a list of good things to say.  I am not one of those MILs.  I have two outstanding sons-in-law and today one of them has a birthday.  Happy birthday R!  He doesn't like to have a lot of info about himself put on the internet, so I'll respect that.  I'll just say that for a MIL, I struck pay dirt. Here are some things I appreciate about R:

• he works hard and has make a name for himself in his profession - check
• he was named one of the top young professionals in his field recently - check
• he is well respected in the community and has made some very impressive connections with persons higher up - check
• he comes from an outstanding family and was well taught my his parents - check
• he possesses all the social graces and knows what to do in different situations - check
• I always enjoy talking to him and he shows interest and concern - check
• he knows a lot about music and enjoys playing the piano - check
• he is a handsome gentleman - check
• he is a wonderful father who loves his little son and daughter and who cares for them deeply - check
• he is SO HELPFUL around the house when he visits and does a ton of chores at his own home - check
• he is a great husband to our daughter and he is yin to her yang - check
• he has a great sense of humor and participates in our crazy family activities - check
• he is devoted to his religion and serves with distinction in his ward bishopric - check
• he is a good man who loves God, country, family and who is grounded in all the things that matter most in life - check

Here is another write up I did about R a few years ago.  He just continues to get better with age.  We all love you R.  Thanks for all you add to our family. I hope Claire spoils you today.

Whoosh Cecil!

A new era begins today at BYU.  President Cecil Samuelson steps down as the 12th president and Kevin Worthen takes the reins as number 13.  University presidents really set the tone for what goes on at a university.  President Samuelson went around every year and visited the colleges and departments at the university to meet the faculty and staff and learn about the work they do.  I met him early on in his administration and when I saw him again on campus, he remembered my name. That really impressed me about him.  He really seemed to want to get down in the trenches and know what was going on at the university.  His 11 year tenure comes to a close and we are all anxiously waiting to see if he returns to wearing red (the U of U colors and his alma mater) or if he stays true to Cougar Blue.  Time will tell.
The BYU students started a tradition of saying "whoosh Cecil" after every scored free throw at basketball games.  Cecil would then give a thumbs up.  He continued this tradition for many games over many years.  He was a good president who was very approachable.  He will be missed at BYU.
His replacement, Kevin Worthen is a fine choice as a new president. He was in Rick's class in law school and Rick knows him and says he is a fine (and very smart and capable) person.  Goodbye and good luck President Samuelson and welcome and best wishes to President Worthen.

Our Nissan is 20 years old!

How many of you have had the same car for 20 years? Yeah, I know, not many right?
We bought our Nissan Sentra in 1994.  It was on the show room floor and Rick actually drove it away from there.  We leased it for a few years and then eventually bought it outright.  It's now 2014.  That's 20 glorious years of family history in that car.  That little car has seen us through thick and a lot of thin. It has a standard transmission and each of our young drivers have had to learn how to drive with a stick shift and how to use a clutch. The third gear has been broken for 15 of those 20 years, and all drivers have quickly become accustomed to shifting from 2nd gear to 4th gear, bypassing 3rd gear. It has seen a lot of adventures:

• It has been tipped on its side by a certain driver while going down a steep hill;
• It has been crashed into by a non-observant college student which resulted in a small claims court case that we (Andy) won;
• It has had a side window broken out and was vandalized while parked in student housing;
• It was been the college car for Jordan, Claire, Dave and Andy (with Jordan using it the least and yes, she is still bitter about that);
• It was Rick's work car for the first part of its life;
• It came with a really nice sounding stereo system installed and a certain someone took it out and installed a sub-standard stereo system with sub-woofers and a huge base pounding in the truck;
• Rick and I hit a deer in the Nissan while driving to Manti to attend a wedding.  It could have been bad news, but Rick avoided hitting the dear head on and instead the animal hit the side view mirror and tore it completely off.  I'm sure the deer had a bad headache after that encounter with the Nissan.
• When a certain person was pulling out of a parking garage, they hit a person on a bike which left a dent in the front right fender that is still there;
• Our four cherished children rode down in it to AZ one summer (if they had been involved in a high speed crash, there would have been no survivors);
• Upon Andy's return from his mission, it got a new paint job and was changed from dark green to black, with new tires and four fancy hubcaps for $19.99;  
• Rick has graciously paid the insurance and the taxes and registration on it for all those years;
• It was paid off many, many years ago, but the driver who took over the car also had to take on any repairs what were needed;
• It has probably done more wheelees in parking lots and has been driven too fast and over four wheeling terrain more times than I know about.

And...it just keeps on going.  It has 165,494 miles on it which is really quite low considering how old it is.  It is strictly an around town car, but it has served us well.  When Andy and Chelsea got married, we sold it to them for $1.  They now get to maintain it, insure it and register it.  At least it's still a member of the family. We love you little Nissan Sentra. Long may she live.  Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.  Grandma Mayme would be proud.  

8 seriously easy ways to improve your memory

I came across this great article while waiting in the doctor's office the other day.  I think we could all use some tips in how to keep our minds and memories strong.  We exercise our bodies and we need to exercise our minds as well.  Here are condensed tips from the article and HERE is the link to the actual article:
#1 - move it or lose it.   "When you're working out to the point of breaking a sweat, you're actually growing new brain cells in your hippocampus," says Dr. Fotuhi. "It seems mind-boggling but there is solid science behind it." How does it work? More blood flow to the brain and an increase in a crucial protein called BDNF spur the growth.  So how much exercise do you really need? Here's what's optimal: 30 minutes of vigorous aerobic activity like jogging and 15 minutes of strength training, such as lifting hand weights or doing squats and pushups, four times a week. "If you do this, you can expect to have significant brain benefits.
#2 - change your expectations.   Stress and frustration stimulate chemical changes that can shrink your hippocampus and lead to memory problems. To reverse some of the damage, try to chill out and put things in perspective.  "Many of your little daily aggravations occur because you don't manage your expectations," says Dr. Fotuhi. "Believe me, those frustrations affect your memory in the short term and your brain health in the long run."
#3 - feed your brain.   Getting a certain amount of DHA -- a type of omega-3 fatty acid found in fish, fish oil, and algae -- can increase the size of your hippocampus in about six months, research shows. But it's almost impossible to get enough from your diet. Buy supplements that come from algae rather than fish, as they're less likely to have impurities such as mercury. "I really believe DHA is a super brain food," says Dr. Fotuhi. "I take 1 gram a day, and so does my wife."
#4 - eat flavonoids  -  Foods containing flavonoids, such as deeply colored berries and grapes, beets, dark chocolate, and cocoa, can also boost your brain. A recent Harvard study showed increased blood flow and better memory performance after participants drank two cups of hot cocoa a day for a month.
#5 - reduce these three numbers.   Focus on lowering your blood sugar, blood pressure, and belly fat.
#6 - protect your head. Do not get on a bike or go skiing or skating without wearing a helmet -- at any age. Even a minor fall can cause a microscopic tear in your brain.
#7 - see friends and family in 3-D.  Get out for lunch or go for a walk with your pals instead of spending time on Facebook or Instagram. Interacting with people in the real world actually requires a good deal of mental maneuvering, like when you're keeping track of several conversations at a party. Social interaction also brings you pleasure, which releases endorphins and other feel-good chemicals, and reduces excess cortisol, a chemical that's a major brain shrinker.
#8 -  Keep learning and memorizing new things throughout your life. Crossword puzzles don't qualify because you're tapping into information you already have in your head. To challenge your brain, set a goal to memorize three names a day. Study a new language, especially if you do it intensively for a few months. Take violin or piano lessons. Memorize poems or songs you love. Encourage yourself to do more problem-solving, like seeing if you can fix the toilet yourself instead of calling a plumber. If you're working out your monthly budget, put away the calculator, grab a pencil, and do the math yourself. Or take ballroom dancing, as Dr. Fotuhi and his wife did, which makes your brain memorize new steps.