Down...but not out

I've thought about this post for several weeks now, and frankly, I haven't been anxious to write it. I can't think of a time in my life when I've been more down physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  It's been tough and it's involved different kinds of pain in very high doses.

First...the physical pain.  I had a total knee replacement on February 6.  Can I just say...OUCH!! I knew it would be very painful because I've already had two knee scopes and I know that knee pain is excruciating.  On a scale of 1 to 10, they say that breaking a femur is a 10.  Check.  Been there, done that.  Pain can go pretty high on that scale with a knee replacement.  They try and keep it at a 4 or 5, with narcotic pain killers but there is always pain. Constant, throbbing pain.   I don't do really well with high doses of pain killers which upset my stomach and don't stay in my system for long.  Then that exacerbates the situation.  I really struggled in the hospital and at the rehab center to keep the meds down until finally they found one that worked...my new friend Norco.  Percocet is not my friend and morphine just makes me feel discombobulated. Norco helped control the pain but it also killed my appetite. (So far I've lost about 8 pounds, which isn't all bad.)
After three days in the hospital, six days in an inpatient rehab center, I went home where my main man Rick helped me with my ice machine, CPM leg bending machine and every other need I had.  He asked me which was worse, chemo pain or knee pain.  My reply is that they are totally different kinds of discomfort.  The chemo pain makes you feel like you're going to die and the knee pain makes you feel like you want to die (that's a joke...sort of.)His wonderful sister Robyn came from California to help me for several days and she was a life saver.  Many friends came to the rescue and brought me food and good cheer.  My Mom came and helped me and at the three week mark after surgery, we headed to AZ to attend Lauren's baptism.  Still in pain... but no amount of pain could keep me from going.

Next, the emotional pain.  Jake's diagnosis on January 25 was the worst news.  It was like getting hit by a freight train. To see our sweet daughter and her wonderful husband face this trial with their little family was almost more that I could bear.  I H*A*T*E cancer.  It has taken too many of our family members and threatened to take several more.  Without going into a lot of detail, let's just say that I've cried a river of tears over this brain tumor diagnosis of our son who is more like our own son than an  in-law.  There must be something about being a parent and watching children struggle with challenges that just about takes that parent to the limit of endurance.   There is the helplessness of not bring able to shield and protect your child.  There was precious little I could do or say that would provide help and absolutely nothing I could do to  stop the parade of terribles they were experiencing. I couldn't stop crying and thinking about the consequences constantly.  Finally, on March 7, Rick gave me a priesthood blessing that calmed my troubled heart and helped to stop the flood gate of anguish I was feeling for Jordan and Jake and their four little children. We did all we could to help while we visited for four and a half days, but no amount of help was going to turn the tide on the reality of the situation.

Mentally, I've been down.  I shut down everything I normally do for that last six weeks while I recovered from surgery.  I canceled two dinners at our home with friends.  I canceled all the activities I normally do.  I haven't really gone anywhere or done much of anything.  I had a big stack of books I was going to read, but I haven't had the where-with-all to do much of anything but try and manage pain and go to physical therapy (and do my work remotely from home.)  I haven't been myself or done my regular routine and I miss it.  Being alone and staying inside just breeds more depression.  Rick went to AZ to help for 10 days and even though I was so happy he could go and help out, it was tough to be alone.  Luckily, visits from Janet, Lee and Jessica, Andy and Chelsea helped break up those days.

Spiritually, it's been discouraging.  You think you've built your reserves and that you'll be able to withstand the trials that come your way.  You know your faith is strong, but when sorely tested, you wonder if it is strong enough.  You try and make sense of suffering.  You try and look for solutions and ways to help ease the pain of loved ones and for yourself.  You once again examine the question of "why do bad things happen to good people?"  You try and make yourself do the things you know will help build spiritual strength.   You search for the comfort and peace promised in the scriptures and you turn to the only ONE who can help to carry the load.  You don't give up.  You pray for the strength to carry on and to overcome.  You recognize the source of anger, discouragement and fear and you work like hell to not let them take over.  You recognize, once again, that there is only one place to turn for help.  And you turn there, again, and again and again.  Because, what else can you do?