Over the past few years, I've come to the realization that "enduring to the end" takes preparation. I guess I've always known this fact, but aging has a way of bring it into clear focus. As our children have left home and moved away, it's required a paradigm shift on my part. My role as a full-time mother has changed and now I play a more supporting role to our kids and grand kids. No surprise there, that is as it should be. However, knowing it would change and actually living day to day with the change is a bit of a challenge. After giving myself practically full-time to their needs and wants, I have been turning my attention to my own needs and wants and those of my husband more that previously. At first it felt kind of selfish to think about what I needed and wanted and now I can see that it is mandatory to make the shift into better self fulfillment and self awareness
in order to be happy. I've been moving through this process for a number of years now, but I can also see that more work is needed. Letting go and moving on is hard work!
I'm a noticer and a ponderer. I can't help myself, it's hard wired into my brain. I'm observant and can recall details of what I've seen and heard quite easily. I've noticed that women who have figured out how to move from being a full-time mother to being a full-time individual are happier than those who don't. Let me explain. I'm friends with lots of different women in lots of different age groups, marital status and backgrounds at work, in our neighborhood, in groups of women, and in our extended family. I've noticed that those women who take time to cultivate a sense of self as an individual person, separate from their spouse and their children have more staying power,
more happiness and more self-fulfillment than those who don't. We recently flew to Boston and once again heard the instructions from the flight attendants to "put your mask on first" in the event of an emergency. A women who "puts her mask on first" is better able to help those around her, but she insures her survival in the process.
However, it's a delicate balance. Some women go overboard and seem to put themselves first through the whole course of their lives and their time and attention (and money) goes primarily to themselves. Their self absorption takes control and they don't look around and see if anyone else needs help. This is a discussion for another day since I believe that these women are not the majority. Most women give the best they have to everyone else and keep very little for themselves. This becomes more of a problem for these women as they become older and they find that they haven't built their own lives sufficiently enough
to sustain their own happiness. They tend to look to others to bring them happiness instead of preparing themselves to
endure to the end happily and positively!
My thoughts these past few months have reinforced the idea that I have to continue to "put my mask on first." I've figured out that the way I can do this is to build my own life by doing what I love to do and finding what brings me joy. These include:
- exercising and moving/stretching my body
- eating healthy and keeping my weight in check
- getting enough sleep
- taking care of myself, my hygiene, my appearance, for me
- engaging in meaningful service, literally looking for a way to help someone every day
- working my mind through reading, attending lectures, cultural events
- listening to music
- lifting my spirit through my own individual religious behavior
- being part of groups of women through clubs, book clubs, lunches, individual friendships and interacting socially and emotionally
- enjoying my hobbies and learning some new ones, having friends share their interests
- taking the initiative to stay connected with my family through Facetime, emails, phone calls and doing it regularly, as well as making regular visits
- finding new ways to enjoy my time with my spouse and engaging in activities we both enjoy
Rick was out of town last month for four days. I'm happy to report that I was OK being alone. I wasn't scared, I wasn't bored and I wasn't unhappy. We've enjoyed our time together in our empty nest, and I'm discovering that I can take my own destiny into my own hands and prepare my own self for my own future, whatever it may be, even if I find myself alone. It isn't what I want to have happen and I'm hoping to have many, many years together, but I'm preparing to endure to the end with him or without him. My own
happiness is up to me.
