Drinking from the bitter cup

Our Jake is getting close to the border of mortality.  As he enters the last weeks of his mortal life, we are all so distraught at the knowledge that he will leave us and enter that existence of immortality and on into the eternities, knowing that we will be left behind for a time.  The thought of separation tears at our hearts. It tests us in every way possible.  As I am writing this, tears are streaming down my face as I think of the void that we will all feel in our lives as those who love him:  our family, his parents and siblings, friends, neighbors, all the people he has influenced and most off all his wife and companion Jordan and his children Lauren, Ellie, Ada and Tommy.  This good son of God has done much good in his earthly probation and he has nearly passed his testing in mortality.  

This is a very bitter cup.  I have traveled this road before and I have watched those I love suffer the pain of separation from their dear ones.  There is no greater trial in life, I believe, than losing a spouse.  I know of only one place to turn for comfort and peace.  He, only One. The challenge in drinking from the bitter cup is to not let that drink make one bitter.  

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,
Where when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind.
Love without end.

I've found great comfort in the words of this hymn by Emma Lou Thayne and in this book. Elder Neal Maxwell is a special person to me and Rick.  He married us in the Salt Lake City LDS temple in 1979.  His words of comfort in this book, his eloquent explanations and wisdom have given me insight into the difficult questions surrounding this hard trial that is happening to Jake, my dear daughter Jordan and their four little children.  This is the ultimate test: separation through death from a spouse and father.

Abraham 3:25 And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do ALL things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them. 

The book is full of wisdom.  Here are some quotes that are so helpful to me:  

"Life is a school in which we enrolled not only voluntarily but rejoicingly; and if the school's headmaster employs a curriculum--proven again and again on other planets, to bring happiness to participants--and if we agreed that once we were enrolled there would be no withdrawals, and also to undergo examinations that would truly test our ability and perceptivity, what would an experienced headmaster do if, later on, there were complaints? Especially if, in his seeming absence, many of the school children tore up their guiding notebooks and demanded that He stop the examination since these produced some pain? There is, to use jargon from American higher education, no way to "CLEP" the examinations of the second estate; one learns by taking the full course!"

"Without the veil, for instance, we would lose that precious insulation which keeps us from a profound and disabling homesickness that would interfere with our mortal probation and maturation." 

"Worshipful acknowledgment of an omniscient God will cause us to cooperate in the stretching of our souls." 

"Pain and suffering only make sense when viewed within an eternal context: suffering, loss, and pain, rather than fermenting bitterness, can indeed deepen our empathy for others, allow us a greater approach to humility, and provide a path to strengthen discipleship. In the words of C.S.Lewis, God sometimes wishes to create a mansion from our little cottage rather than the modest remodeling that we initially anticipated.

"Understanding the role of suffering is a "hard doctrine" that requires insight into both ourselves and the nature of God. Understanding suffering as part of our mortal experience does not only requires faith in God's love for us, but also in his omniscience--particularly his knowledge of how much hardship each of us individually can bear."

"We define the veil as the border between mortality and eternity...we experience this same separateness when a baby is born, and also as we wait with those who are dying - for when we brush against the veil, as goodbyes and greetings are said almost within earshot of each other.  In such moments, this resonance with realities on the other side of the veil is so real that it can be explained in only one way...Deep within us, His doctrines do strike the promised chord of familiarity and underscore our true identity."

"The second estate (this life), however, is one that emphasizes experiential learning, through applying, proving and testing. We have moved, as it were, from first estate theory to second estate laboratory.  It is here that our Christlike characteristics are further shaped and our spiritual skills are thus strengthened."

"He will not allow the cutting short of some of the brief experiences we are having here.  To do so would be to deprive us of everlasting experiences and great joy there.  What else would an omniscient and loving Father do, even if we plead otherwise?  He must at times say no.  Further, since there was no exemption from suffering for Christ, how can there be one for us?  Do we really want immunity from adversity?  Especially when certain kinds of suffering can aid our growth in this life."

"We could not trust in the perfectness of God's judgement if we did not first know that He foresaw and carefully calibrated our chastening and learning experiences accordingly.  In order for "all these things" to make sense, we must come to understand that God has "all sense."  Only then can we repose with confidence in His perfect love!"

The many facets of the Atonement of Jesus Christ

I have been thinking about this topic for awhile now and I've written about it previously.  So many people I know are suffering through all sorts of trials and difficulties.  How then, can the Atonement of Christ really bless us and help us?

Saturday I attended our Stake Women's conference and the speaker (Carrie Wrigley) shared some valuable insights on the topic.  I had thought about some of these concepts before, but she had a way of bringing them together in a format that really made sense to me.

She entitled her talk "Finding healing through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."  Here are some notes I took from her talk and some of my own thoughts while pondering the subject of the atonement.

2 Nephi 4:20 - "My God hath been my support; he hath lead me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep."  Nephi is speaking in this verse about the support the Lord gave him, but it can just as well apply to all of us who have afflictions and have been out floating around helplessly on the waters of the great deep. What do we do?  Where to we turn?  In whom do we trust? How do we bear up under our own afflictions?  Some trials come from our own mistakes, some come from the mistakes of others that impact us, others come from the natural afflictions of this world and some come to us because we are exactly on the right track.  We can learn to press forward and drink deeply of the love of Christ and learn to apply his atonement through times of trial, whatever their origin.

How do we apply the atonement to "this" my own personal problems? How can the atonement help us daily personalize the power of divine help for our problems? Which powers do you need today?
Some resources for further study and learning:

• Elder Bruce R. McConkie, April 1985, The Purifying Power of Gethsemane. 
• Elder Boyd K. Packer, April 1987, Washed Clean
• Elder Boyd K. Packer, October 2014, The Reason for our Hope
• Elder David A. Bednar, April 2012, The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality
• Carolyn J. Rasmus, May, 2006, The Enabling Power of the Atonement

1.  Redemptive power - for sins and mistakes
The grace of the Lord can instruct us during dark periods of our lives and prompt us to make changes and start again.  It is a period of deep personal reflection as we learn to "come to ourselves" (Luke 15:17) and repent of that which we have done wrong.  It takes humility, courage and patience to truly apply the redemptive power of the atonement to our sins. Over time, we will remember our sins, but the pain of those sins will diminish and ultimately not plague us (or those who love us) anymore. The atonement makes this process possible. Whatever your burden, bring it to Him.  Bring it unto Him.
2.  Sanctifying power - helps us with our weaknesses and imperfections
We are all expected to move forward step by step, not to be perfect.  We try to be a little bit better, more like Him, every day.  We often ask...Am I enough?  We just need to do the best we can.  Turn out doubts, our insecurities, our weaknesses, our lack of confidence, our imperfections and the areas where we feel we lack, over to the Lord.  God's perfections and his divine attributes can strengthen us and heal us as we truly strive to be more like him and acquire more of his Godly attributes.
     2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 - "And he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities in persecution, in distresses for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then am I strong.."
We can be just like a butterfly, going through the long, painstaking process of change, starting out as a creepy crawling creature, then shut up on a cocoon and then finally reaching our full potential with wings to fly.  The God of heaven raises us up.  We become something very different than what we started out to be.  He loves us through our weaknesses.  We can trust Him to take us forward.
3.  Healing power - for our sorrows and afflictions
Jesus Christ has experienced it all.  He has been here before, so He knows how to help us, to lift us, and how to carry us.  He is a man of sorrows, and He is acquainted with YOUR grief.  Because He has already traveled this road before, He is acquainted with YOU.
John 14:18 - I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you.
D&C 98:3 - all things work together for your good
Alma 7:12 - And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful.  By vision of the Almighty, I have seen it.  Joseph Smith Teachings, section six 1843-1844, page 296.
4.  Enabling power - for pressures and challenges in life
Sometimes we are just trying to manage the weight of all of our responsibilities. Look up the word affliction in the Topical Guide.  There are many similar words that give more understanding to the word:  Adversity, afflicted, anguish, chastening, distress, oppression, persecution, perseverance, sorrow, suffering, tribulation, trouble. Who hasn't experienced one of these emotions or trials?
D&C 121:7-8, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then IF thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."
2 Nephi 2:2, "Consecrate afflictions for our gain"
Jacob 3:1, "...look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause"
The enabling power of the atonement allows us to be sanctified, strong and serviceable to reach our full potential as children of God.

Now that we understand more about how the atonement can help us, how do we access its healing power?
We can follow these steps by learning to apply the atonement in our lives:
HOPE - show faith, trust, hope in God and his Son.  If we don't have enough hope, work to achieve it.
ASK - pray for specific needs, pray for specific help, ask for priesthood blessing, attend the temple
RECEIVE - receive help from the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, other people, our own initiative
PRACTICE - keep trying and learning, praying and showing faith.  Practice precept upon precept. The more we receive and use of the gift of the atonement, the more we are given to understand and access its power.  Experiences build on one another.

The stake women's conference was a wonderful time to be together with the women in our stake and enjoy a brunch afterwards.  I'm always enriched when I attend these functions and feel so much more love and trust in my Savior.

BYU Basketball - along the trail to fame and glory

Another season is coming to an end.  We attended the BYU-Portland game last night and watched BYU tear Portland to shreds.  Kyle Collinsworth did an impressive job of getting his 11th triple-double with an all time high of 16 assists, with 14 points and 10 rebounds.  When he got his 10th rebound, the crowd went wild.

We had season tickets again this year and even though I haven't attended every home game, I have really enjoyed the games I have attended.  I like basketball.  I get it.  I find it very entertaining.
As Rick and I sat in our seats last night, we thought about ALL the games we have attended over the years in the Marriott Center.  There have surely been 100s of them by now.  We have seen some extremely exciting games with great players like Danny Ainge, Kresimir Cosic, Devin Durrant, Shawn Bradley, Travis Hansen, Greg Kite, Rafael Araujo, Michael Smith and Andy Toolson and most recently Brandon Davies, Jimmer Fredette, Tyler Haws and Kyle Collinsworth.

I remember the days before the shot clock when the players would slow the ball down at the end of the game, trying to hold on to their lead.  It would drive me nuts if we were behind and within striking distance and we couldn't get the ball.  I remember when the shorts were short and the legs were, well, long.  I remember when teams wouldn't play BYU before the announcement of the priesthood being available to all worthy males.  I remember some very heated games against our rivals in the WAC.  I remember the great satisfaction that came with each and every win over Utah.  I remember eating BYU concession treats and was especially delighted with the invention and sale of "the Cougar Tail" maple bar doughnut.  I remember when the seats were all gold in the Marriott center and the hall ways were enclosed and narrow.  In fact, I remember the first time I walked into the Marriott Center in 1973.  It was the largest building I had ever visited and I was so overwhelmed by its size.  Little did I know how many events I would attend there in my future.

Now, the games are just as exciting, but some things have changed that aren't my favorite.  I love the new jumbo score board, but I don't like the selfie social media screen.  Who cares about watching selfies of other people at the game with their BYU hastags??  Big DEAL.  Am I missing something? I use to like the half-time entertainment that was entertaining, but now I dislike watching the Cougarettes toss their hair around a million times (I must be getting OLD.)  Their dancing and such is OK, but those head movements and hair tossing is SO ANNOYING! Plus, their routines are so short. Why not present an actual half-time routine?  I remember when the cheerleaders would build insanely high people pyramids that would take our breath away.  Now they don't go more than one person high.  Also, I remember when we had about 10 cheerleaders, now it seems like there are 110.   I don't like the constant "entertainment" provided during the time outs that are so stupid with contests of various sorts.  Let's just have a moment to ourselves while the players rest, huh?

The new speaker system is awesome and I like the loud music, but it is very loud!  (Age probably showing again.)  It makes my hears ring even worse than they already do.  I need some of those kiddy head phones or ear plugs at the least.  No one can say they can't hear what is going on.  I like how the BYU students dress in a similar color and use those crazy signs and other items to distract the opposing free throw shooters. And I will admit...I love Cosmo.  He is truly athletic. His news skills on his hover board are amazing.

Anyway, the point is we've enjoyed our lengthy history at the Marriott Center watching BYU take a lot of teams to the woodshed.  Nothing was more entertaining than the years Jimmer played.  Truly, those games weren't to be missed.  It's been so fun to share this activity that Rick and I enjoy doing together and I appreciate him taking me to "Our House"  where we rise and shout.

Go Cougars!!

Provo City Center LDS temple

Rick and I had the opportunity to tour the new Provo City Center temple a few weeks ago.  It is stunning.  Seriously, words fail me in describing how beautiful it is.  So much detail has been added to give it time period accuracy, all the while preserving as much of the original architectural detail as possible.  Take the time to watch the video.  It is time well spent.  Rick and I are so grateful that this temple was built from the ashes of the old tabernacle and we look forward to serving there as temple patrons in the future.

Sunny Arizona

After spending 10 days in Arizona during January, I can definitely see why the Arizonans love living there.  What's not to love about 70 degree days with these beautiful sights?  I took a walk almost every morning around the neighborhood and these are just some of the desert beauties that I saw. Living in a warm, sunny climate really does help to lift one's spirits.  I just wouldn't want to live there in the summer time.  Snow birds have the right idea!

My purpose for going wasn't just for pleasure and to escape our Utah winter (although that was a very nice added bonus.)  Jordan asked me to come down and help while Jake underwent his next brain surgery.  Without going into great detail, I'll just say again that I marvel at the courage, wherewithal, fortitude and strength of this young couple.  They have traveled this road before with previous surgeries, so they know what works best for them and what is really helpful in managing the surgery day and the care of their children.  Jake's wonderful parents John and Barbara came down as well and together the three of us took the reigns.  

I sat with Jordan at the hospital the day of the surgery.  It was a very long day.  We chatted, rested, read, ate snacks prepared by her thoughtful SIL Jessica and walked around.  The hospital provided a waiting room for all the waiting families with a beeper and they periodically gave updates as to what was going on with the patients.  A nurse also went between the operating room and the waiting room and gave updates. There were many people in the waiting room that day while their loved ones underwent neurological surgeries. I think Jordan is wise to keep her immediate support group small. That way she doesn't have to worry about supporting the supporters.  She can conserve her strength to support Jake and to get through the stressful experience herself.  She is a smart girl.

Jake came through the surgery and spent the next couple of days in the hospital with Jordan by his side. Barbara, John and I took turns visiting and shuttling the kids around, doing some chores and errands around the house.  It became a working vacation as we worked in the house and yard and took care of things while Jordan and Jake were gone.  I think it helped the children to have their grandparents there with them for those few days.  Nonetheless, the children were so happy to see their parents return home on Friday afternoon.

Jordan and Jake then spent the weekend sleeping and recuperating physically and emotionally. Friends brought over some meals and generally helped out where they could.  A friend named Juan came over and replaced the brake pads on their car.  Several other friends brought flowers.  Everyone respected their need for rest and quiet over the weekend.  Once Jake was stable, John and Barbara headed home and I stayed on to help Jordan start to prepare for their move.

That's right!  They are going to move back to Utah when school is out in June.  She doesn't want to move anything they don't need so we started the task of going through drawers, closets and such to clean out and organize.  I shopped for groceries, shuttled the school kids, made lunches, made dinners, did laundry and generally tried to relieve her of her duties so that she could make some progress on move preparation.  

I got to spend some time with each child.  Tommy and I had a great adventure at the mall riding the little train and the carrousel.  I also got to attend Lauren's choir concert.  I love these precious little grandchildren and the opportunity I have to tell them stories, go on bikes rides, play on the trampoline, play games with them, listen to them practice the piano and this time Lauren asked me to teach her how to crochet and to write in cursive.

My love for this sweet family knows no bounds.  I loved being useful to them.  I loved serving and feeling needed.  It felt good to work hard.  I learned to cook some new recipes that were delicious. They are very healthy eaters and it was good try some new recipes that I will use again.  

Jake will have surgery follow-up this week and then we'll find out more about what happens next. We are praying specifically that he will hold steady and do well and that he can help his family relocate back to Utah. Jordan and Jake carry an unbelievably heavy load.  But they continue on with faith.  It does break my heart to see up close the burden they carry with the unknown future.  It is just very hard to see this dear family face this challenge. I've also witnessed them being strengthened to be able to carry the load they have been given.  Thousands of prayers in faith have gone to heaven in their behalf and have made all the difference.  Overall, a sense of calm and resolve exists in their home. 

In Arizona anyway, the sun is out, the skies are blue and God is in charge.