Dementia/Alzheimer's disease

What an insidious disease Alzheimer's disease is for millions of of people and particularly Utahans. A recent article in the Deseret News points out the growing numbers of people who are being afflicted with this debilitating disease.  "Interestingly, Utahans are being hit particularly hard because many have avoided alcohol and tobacco throughout their lives and are living longer.  Is dementia an ironic consequence of good health?

Utah has some of the lowest rates of cancer, diabetes and heart disease, it has low rates of obesity, tobacco use and alcoholism.  In Utah, the number of deaths attributed to Alzheimer's in Utah has more than doubled.  Utah ranks 9th in the nation for Alzheimer's deaths compared with 50th for cancer and 35th from heart disease, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Moreover, Utah is one of six states in which cases of the degenerative brain disease are predicted to rise 40% or more over the next seven years.  People who tend to have a more healthy lifestyle overall and that causes them to live longer here in Utah.  But the longer they live, the more of a risk we have for Alzheimer's. Grim statistics seem to bear this out:  One in 10 Americans over the age of 65 have Alzheimer's.  After age 85, 1 in 3 of us do.  The average life expectancy in Utah is 80, one of the highest in the nation."

Enter my dear mother.  Age 90.  She is struggling with advanced dementia/Alzheimer's disease.  She can no longer care for herself.  She can't cook or clean (which was one of her many strengths), doesn't care about her own hygiene and appearance (which is shocking since she always took good care of herself), can no longer read (which she loved to do), sew (she was an amazing seamstress and quilt maker), manage money (she lost over $9,000 being scammed and didn't even realize it) , drive (believing that she still could and would still be driving today if not for intervention), converse, follow a conversation or contribute to it, know who her grandchildren are (especially those she doesn't see very often), know what is proper social decorum, interrupts conversations and interjects stories about herself, can't recite her childhood poems any longer, has a hard time following time, and doesn't like to watch moves anymore since she can't follow the story line.

So much of who she is and what she loved to do it gone.  It is tragic and hard to watch her struggle along.  My siblings and I decided at the end of April that it was time and that she could no longer live alone.  She has lost a lot of weight and wasn't eating and was alone too much of the time. She refused to live in any of our homes, and several of them wouldn't have been conducive anyway due to stairs and other challenges.  We made the difficult decision that is was time to move her into assisted living. My oldest sister found a new, lovely assisted living residence in the community and at the end of April, we broke the news to her that it was moving day.  She is very strong willed and has told us repeatedly that she would never move.  Never.  Under any circumstances.  She was going to stay in her home and go out on a gurney to the funeral home.  Well, that scenario would have been nice and it is what she wanted, but is just wasn't possible.  She tells anyone who will listen that from her neck down she is about 70 years old (which is true, her overall health is fine), but from her neck up she is 200 years old.  True. Sad. Statement.
We broke the news in the best way we could.  With love and concern.  We told her that we really and truly feel that this is what our dad would want us to do to take care of her.  She cried, swore, said she didn't want to go, and then we got her out on a drive while an amazing crew of family moved her furniture from her current home to her new home.  When she arrived two hours later, it was all set up. This is her former home:

to her present lovely home:

Now her days consist of three good meals a day (which are delicious!), watching lots and lots of her favorite TV shows recorded on her DVR, playing Bingo and going to some of the activities at her new home which include crafts, games, entertainment, and enjoying visits from family members who live in the area which are daily visits and sometimes more than once a day.  My sister and I who live out of town visit her on schedule. She can dress herself, bathroom herself mostly and control her TV remote. She has Sunday dinners in the homes of family and she has her cell phone to call when she needs help.  She also has a button around her neck to push whenever she needs anything and a CNA will arrive and help her.  She is safe and is being watched over.
Of course, she just wants to go be with our dad.  She doesn't want to be here anymore.  She knows her memory is bad, but she either doesn't realize how bad her disease is or how much it is affecting her ability to function, or she just doesn't want to admit it.  Whatever the case, we will continue to love her, to serve her and to make her final days or years as enjoyable as possible.  She is a dear mother to me and I love her so much.  She is so strong and willful and that is her blessing and her curse. It is terribly hard to see her in this state of being.  Alzheimer's is an insidious disease because it robs a person of their life, personality, memories, abilities, ability to think of others and their overall functionality in dealing with life.

Handsome nephew Jake married beautiful Kylee

As our nieces and nephews have been married, it's been fun to honor them and attend their weddings. Way back in March, we got to attend the LDS temple wedding of our nephew Jake (son of my sister Lee and her husband Mike.)  He married his best friend Kylee in the Bountiful, UT temple and it was a beautiful day.  I'm so happy that we could attend with Jordan and celebrate with them.  We enjoyed the lovely meal the night before and the wedding festivities the day of.  I'm so proud of and happy for this couple making commitments to each other and to God in the temple and starting their lives together with the blessing of a temple sealing for eternity.  We wish them much happiness in the years ahead as they work together towards achieving their goals. They're off to a good start!  Much love to Jake and Kylee.

Suffering comes from resistance

Over the last several months as we have gone around to the different ward conferences in our stake, our stake president's wife shared an important message with the women in each ward.  Among other things she said, this important concept was shared...most suffering comes from resistance.   She said that resistance (in whatever form) usually brings more trials and sorrow while submission brings more peace.  I've pondered this idea for months.  It holds a lot of truth.
When we resist our unpleasant circumstances, or challenges, our unfair experiences, our illnesses, broken relationships, or the things we are going through with sustained anger, tears, bitterness and hard heartedness, we usually only feel more of the same.  When we dwell on our trials and think constantly of how unfair they are, how justified we are in feeling the way we do, how angry we are that we have a particular challenge and we put all our energy into those feelings, we only feed the negativity and we find no peace.  All our energies, our thoughts, our negative communication with others usually only compounds the problem and as we resist whatever is going on, we just continue to suffer.   As she said, most (she said all) suffering comes from resistance.
Conversely, when we eventually accept (however hard or unpleasant our experience might be) our circumstances and stop resisting, stop being angry, stop being bitter and blaming, we are then freed to move all that negative energy out of our lives and make room for more positive energy and feelings. Our suffering is lessened as we make room for positive relationships, positive experiences, positive interactions with others.

She said that when we remove these expressions from our speech

I can't
I won't
I shouldn't have to
I don't want to
It's unfair

and replace them with these expressions

I choose to
I will
I can
I want to

that powerful transformative things will happen.  We will take charge of our own peace and comfort. We will no longer be as susceptible to long periods of debilitating suffering and times when we can feel no peace.

I've seen this in the lives of so many people I know who accept their hard circumstances, however awful they are, and CHOOSE to not let them dominate their lives.  These people are heroes to me. They are like the bright shiny stars that cut through the darkness and bring light into places where only darkness once was.  I want to be more like that.

Grandchildren

People!  Having grandchildren live in our area is a game changer!  Honestly, we LOVE having six of our nine grands live near us.  We love to attend their events and have them come over for activities. We enjoy visiting them at their homes.  We love to play, work and hang out together.  It's so fun to get to know them better and to do all sorts of activities together.   We love to interact with them and we just love them so much!  Their parents aren't bad either.